TW: SA, intoxication, mentions of sexual content.
I am intoxicated. I am drinking because I started having thoughts about my sexually abusive friendship. I consented to so many things, hell I sexted him after it even. and lost my virginity after, I think about it but I don’t know what years it happened as my memory sucks due to childhood abuse, and I did consent sometimes and after. I only felt loved if I was being used, idk what to do. I feel so lost. And broken,and it’s making me want to die. what do I do? i live in Ontario Canada and I need advice on what to do, how to cope, how to move on after since it’s been a few years since it happened. He loved me. He said he loved me, I thought it was true. I think it still is. Idek anymore. This next part I wrote to cope when I was sober, you don’t have to read it but I feel sharing it will help me.:
I keep thinking about you today. I feel sick to my stomach- idk why it’s been so bad lightly. The memories. I can feel you touching me again. I blame myself cause I stayed cause I consented and played along sometimes. Then I think about how you threatened people I wanted to date, or people I liked, threatened me, lied, manipulated me, made me feel like I was the crazy one for being scared of you. Hell I joined a goddamn suicide pact with you, you watched me cut myself and got off on it. Said my blood turned you on. After the first time you assaulted me and I told you I was uncomfortable you apologized and cried- telling me about how your a victim too and never wanted to make anyone feel like that. Said how the colour you hated the most was blue cause it was the colours of his wall- how ironic that i happened to have blue hair at the time huh? I hated myself cause I felt like I was walking trigger to you. I bet you did it on purpose. I bet it was all on purpose. The journal, the fake love. The little touches I ignored. God I felt so hopeless. I should have just trusted myself when I felt uncomfortable in the friendship but I convinced myself I was acting crazy, convinced myself that you really did just love me. God. I was so naive, i didn’t trust myself and it ruined me, ruined my life, my body, my sanity. I felt like I needed to be used to be loved, I let you use me cause I felt like I needed you to love me, like you where the only one who would love me, like my body was not my own but yours so why not just give in too make it easier, let you touch me, fuck me, whatever you wanted just to make you happy- so you wouldn’t take it when I didn’t want it anymore. I’m so mad at myself, and you, and the world. I hate hate hate how I’ve turned out and so much of it had to do with you
thank you for your help in advance and I want to apologize for doing this when drinking incase it crosses boundaries but I didn’t know where else to go. ❤️❤️ You guys have helps me so much on tumblr and then I moved here with you. Thank you! ❤️❤️
My sincere apologies about posting this a bit later! Unfortunately, my physical health took a turn for a worse. Thankfully, I've recovered, and I can resume posting. Thank you so much for understanding.
The following is your response from peer counsellor Andrea:
Thank you so much for reaching out. I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Sometimes, it is difficult to figure out where to begin, but I am happy to hear you call it what it is—abuse. Being honest with yourself can help you put the situation into perspective. It is not your fault. The person who took advantage of you chose to do so. People who love you do not take pleasure in your pain. Here is some information about coping with abuse:
Trying to understand your feelings can be a turbulent process. I see that you are trying to figure things out, but it is important that you do not blame yourself as you do. I understand that you would make different decisions if you could; however, it is important to accept what happened and where you are now. Though you cannot change the past, you can take steps in changing your future.
I would advise not drinking so heavily when trying to sort through your feelings. Though alcohol may seem helpful at the time, it can put a lot of strain on your body when consumed in excess. It can also cloud your judgement and thoughts. Some things that you can do in the place of drinking are talking with friends, journaling, or pursuing your normal set of hobbies. Here are some tips on cutting back on drinking and replacing them with healthy coping mechanisms:
Do you have a support system in place? A support system does not have to be very big—in fact, it can be just one or two people. A supportive person is someone who makes you feel safe and secure. This person is someone who does not judge or condemn you but wants the best for you. If you do not have anyone to talk to (and even if you do), you can reach out here at any time, and we also provide pay-what-you-can live peer counselling sessions. If you are interested in the latter, e-mail us at email@example.com. Here are some benefits of having a support system and how to create such a system:
Suicide and self-harm are very serious things—someone who loves you wouldn’t want to watch you going through that. If you are feeling suicidal, I recommend you call Talk Suicide Canada at 1-833-456-4566. Staff members are available 24/7, and it remains a toll-free number. You can also text them at 45645 from 4 PM to 12 AM ET. For more information on what to expect from Talk Suicide Canada, you can visit their "What to Expect" webpage through the following link: https://talksuicide.ca/get-help/what-to-expect. But if you have an international calling plan and would like to text a counsellor outside of Talk Suicide Canada's hours, you can also text "HOME" to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. Like Talk Suicide Canada's phone hotline, they are available 24/7. They are also available both through traditional texting and WhatsApp messaging. For more information on the Crisis Text Line, use the following link: https://www.crisistextline.org
I think that it is great that you’ve written a letter. Writing and journaling is a great way to sort through your thoughts and emotions. Writing letters can also help organize your thoughts. Sometimes, writing everything down and not sending it can be a great relief. Here are some tips on how to journal or mood track:
I also think it is a great idea to find a counselor who specializes in relationship abuse and trauma. A counselor can be a great ally and can offer more personalized assistance. Here is an all-encompassing resource to help you find a counselor in Canada: https://thekit.ca/living/therapy-near-me-canada/.
Please hang in there, and keep pushing!
We are here for you,
Andrea & Jude
Hi there, @Iammeandyouareyou ! One of our peer counsellors, Andrea, will be answering your submission shortly. Apologies for the delay--there have been a lot of emergency extenuating circumstances! Until then, stay strong!