I asked a question previously on Tumblr, but I didn't put enough information. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, borderline, depression, and unspecified mood disorder. I was “sexually active” at the age of 3 with my uncle and it’s where I assume my PTSD comes from because I’ve had symptoms since that age. I’m having a hard time believing myself because I don’t remember every single thing and if it hurt me so badly, why can’t I remember? I've been abused almost my whole life. Family members have touched me (both male and female), I've been touched by strangers, almost raped by strangers, flashed, etc. I've experienced every type of abuse since I was 3 and I'm 19 now. I have terrible brain fog that's causing me to do terribly in my college classes. I have a therapist but it's hard for me to speak about certain things because I don't want to be anyone's victim or a survivor. I'm in a relationship but it's hard for me to believe he loves me and that he won't hurt me because of scared of men. I want to better myself but it's a constant battle with myself. Every time I try the negative side of me wins. I've convinced myself that I'm a liar and whatever happened to me I deserved it. I just want to forget about all of this stuff so I can move on. I hate having to deal with this and I just want to move on. I want to enjoy my relationship without being scared, excel in my classes like I should be, and improve myself. Any advice would really help.
Sorry if it's all over the place.
Side note: I say sexually active because I don't want to call it rape. I feel I deserved it and no one deserves to be raped so therefore it was consensual.