How can I end my internal struggle?

Question

I asked a question previously on Tumblr, but I didn't put enough information.  I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, borderline, depression, and unspecified mood disorder. I was “sexually active” at the age of 3 with my uncle and it’s where I assume my PTSD comes from because I’ve had symptoms since that age. I’m having a hard time believing myself because I don’t remember every single thing and if it hurt me so badly, why can’t I remember? I've been abused almost my whole life. Family members have touched me (both male and female), I've been touched by strangers, almost raped by strangers, flashed, etc. I've experienced every type of abuse since I was 3 and I'm 19 now. I have terrible brain fog that's causing me to do terribly in my college classes. I have a therapist but it's hard for me to speak about certain things because I don't want to be anyone's victim or a survivor. I'm in a relationship but it's hard for me to believe he loves me and that he won't hurt me because of scared of men. I want to better myself but it's a constant battle with myself. Every time I try the negative side of me wins. I've convinced myself that I'm a liar and whatever happened to me I deserved it. I just want to forget about all of this stuff so I can move on. I hate having to deal with this and I just want to move on. I want to enjoy my relationship without being scared, excel in my classes like I should be, and improve myself. Any advice would really help.  Sorry if it's all over the place. Side note: I say sexually active because I don't want to call it rape. I feel I deserved it and no one deserves to be raped so therefore it was consensual.

Jude · Accepted Answer

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Jude · Answer

Oh my goodness I’m so sorry about all of this. :( You were 3 at the time; you most certainly did NOT deserve it! You are not a liar at all. I agree that your uncle molesting and raping you is the start of all of this. Yes, that’s exactly what he did; you were a child and he was an adult; therefore, he should have known better than to lay a hand on you. There is absolutely no way you could have consented to any of that because you were just a toddler. I’m so sorry that your family has failed to protect you. That’s the biggest job your parents could possibly have; they have to protect you from people like your uncle and everyone else who molested you.  I definitely suggest talking more to your therapist because their job is to help you. It stood out to me that you say you do not want to be anyone’s victim or a survivor. Do you think doing so would make you feel weak or powerless? Do you think it would make you unable to convince yourself any of it didn’t happen? Do you think it would make you feel like you somehow “deserved” to be abused at all? It really sounds like you are doing everything you can to keep yourself going, but it doesn’t look like it’s all sustainable. Please please please talk to the therapist about this because they can help you find healthier and more sustainable ways of healing and coping with everything.   You are carrying around a lot of trauma and pain; you do not need to carry it all alone forever. You are allowed to ask for help; you deserve help! You’ve endured 16 years of abuse at the hands of those you should have been able to trust and complete strangers. I learned from Mayo Clinic that Borderline Personality Disorder usually stems from some kind of childhood abuse or neglect, so it makes sense that you’ve been diagnosed with it. Everything else on top of it makes sense and likely stems from all the trauma you’ve faced. What I’m trying to get at is that everything you are feeling and experiencing right now is completely valid. Here’s the article from Mayo Clinic: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237  Speaking of resources, RAINN has a lot for people in your shoes; they are the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network. They have a hotline, online chat, and plenty of resources to support you. https://www.rainn.org  The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk is a great resource because it talks all about trauma and its impacts on the mind and body. It can teach you how to manage trauma and heal from it. Ask your therapist for some more reading materials if you’d like.   I also suggest speaking to your therapist and maybe finding someone else on campus to help, too. Do you have on-campus counseling services? Or an office specifically for first-year students? Or an office for students with disabilities? They can provide proper accommodations for you, whether it’s extra time on exams or assignments, a more flexible attendance policy, etc. Your advisor can help you find these folks. Please reach out to whoever you can for help; that’s what those people are there for.  That brain fog is going to make it hard to concentrate; that’s a common symptom of depression. Would you be okay with going to school less than full-time? Is that an option for you? Because if it is, it might be a good idea to do that for now. If not, do the best you can. I’m only suggesting it so you can give yourself a break; if going full-time is genuinely too much, please don’t be hard on yourself. You’re dealing with a lot right now.  You mentioned you’re in a relationship, but you aren’t sure if he loves you or if he won’t hurt you. I want you to reassess whether or not you are ready for a relationship because these are big things to consider. If you don’t feel ready to trust another person yet or feel you are too frightened of men to date them, it’s more than okay to break up. You can take some time for yourself to heal and then maybe you can approach dating again in the future. If you want to stay, that’s also a valid choice. I just don’t want you to put too much pressure on yourself. If you do stay, take baby steps; talk to him about at least some of your experiences a little at a time. He should know what’s going on with you so he can support you. If he loves you, then he will want to support you and care for you however he can.  To offer you some peace of mind, you can read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and check out the website http://loveisrespect.org. These talk all about abusers and abusive relationships, so if you ever feel suspicious, these resources will confirm or allay them. The website has a quiz you can take about your relationship to assess its safety. The book talks more specifically about abusers. While it may say “he” in the title, it’s not just about abusive men because the majority of what he talks about can be applied to abusers of all genders. There are free PDFs online as well.  I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this. Please remember that none of it is your fault and you don’t deserve any of this. You are valid and you deserve to get help.   Hugs, Angelica Barile

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