This may be a case of self-absorption mixed with denial; this is rather hard to deal with. Some people don’t believe someone they know did something bad or care about it unless it hits close to home.
For some folks, that means it has to happen to someone they care about or themselves. Other times, they can’t go on believing that the thing happened because then they would have to do something about it.
In other words, either the people you’re talking about just don’t care because it doesn’t directly affect them (self-absorbed), or they do care but feel powerless to do anything about it (denial).
These articles explain more about self-absorbed people:
Hopefully these will help you see where the people in your life lie. Self-absorbed people tend to not care about much of anything unless they’re somehow involved; it all comes back to them. If you know people like this, then they typically won’t care that they know an abuser/violent person because they think they’re unaffected by the abuse/violent behavior. What they don’t realize is that, by staying in such people’s orbits, there is always that chance that they can become the next victim.
Are you familiar with the Tennessee Willams play A Streetcar Named Desire? Without giving away too much of the story, Stanley betrays his sister-in-law, Blanche, in a horrible way. But instead of her sister Stella supporting her, Stella sends her away because she “couldn’t go on living with Stanley” if she believed Blanche. I mention this because Stella acts out of a sense of self-preservation, and denial is the thin veneer she places over her eyes in order to tolerate her living situation. It sounds like there are people in your life who could be doing this.
When people are fearful of or dependent on abusive or dangerous people, they tend to placate the abuser/powerful person as much as possible to protect themselves. They tend to have the fawn response to stress and trauma and they tend to become flying monkeys to abusers.
In other words, people who fear or depend on an abusive or dangerous person tend to be stuck in survival mode and their brain says “Let’s do what they say so they hurt someone else instead of us.” They then become manipulated by the abuser and can deny the abuser’s wrongdoing, manipulate or lash out at others, etc. They do the dirty work so the abuser doesn’t have to do so.
Denial is what allows folks like this to go about their lives because, without it, they have some important decisions to make.
These articles explain more about the fawn response and flying monkeys:
Basically, the people in your life sound like they are in the denial or self-absorbed camps, and you are stuck outside both of them. Kudos to you for actually having standards in your relationships and friendships because people too often sacrifice those to placate people who don’t deserve it. Your anger comes from knowing that this is too important a principle on which to compromise.
At this point, it might be time to start looking for new friends. Perhaps folks seeing you being happy and free from toxicity will encourage them to join you.
As always, feel free to reach out if you have any questions.
Hi, @Mia Bella ! Thank you so much for reaching out to Asking Jude. Our peer counsellor, Angelica, will be answering you within the next 48 hours; however, if you need an answer sooner, simply notify us, and we'll happily accommodate you! Until then, stay strong.
This may be a case of self-absorption mixed with denial; this is rather hard to deal with. Some people don’t believe someone they know did something bad or care about it unless it hits close to home.
For some folks, that means it has to happen to someone they care about or themselves. Other times, they can’t go on believing that the thing happened because then they would have to do something about it.
In other words, either the people you’re talking about just don’t care because it doesn’t directly affect them (self-absorbed), or they do care but feel powerless to do anything about it (denial).
These articles explain more about self-absorbed people:
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/self-absorbed
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/denial/art-20047926
Hopefully these will help you see where the people in your life lie. Self-absorbed people tend to not care about much of anything unless they’re somehow involved; it all comes back to them. If you know people like this, then they typically won’t care that they know an abuser/violent person because they think they’re unaffected by the abuse/violent behavior. What they don’t realize is that, by staying in such people’s orbits, there is always that chance that they can become the next victim.
Are you familiar with the Tennessee Willams play A Streetcar Named Desire? Without giving away too much of the story, Stanley betrays his sister-in-law, Blanche, in a horrible way. But instead of her sister Stella supporting her, Stella sends her away because she “couldn’t go on living with Stanley” if she believed Blanche. I mention this because Stella acts out of a sense of self-preservation, and denial is the thin veneer she places over her eyes in order to tolerate her living situation. It sounds like there are people in your life who could be doing this.
When people are fearful of or dependent on abusive or dangerous people, they tend to placate the abuser/powerful person as much as possible to protect themselves. They tend to have the fawn response to stress and trauma and they tend to become flying monkeys to abusers.
In other words, people who fear or depend on an abusive or dangerous person tend to be stuck in survival mode and their brain says “Let’s do what they say so they hurt someone else instead of us.” They then become manipulated by the abuser and can deny the abuser’s wrongdoing, manipulate or lash out at others, etc. They do the dirty work so the abuser doesn’t have to do so.
Denial is what allows folks like this to go about their lives because, without it, they have some important decisions to make.
These articles explain more about the fawn response and flying monkeys:
https://southtampacounselor.com/blog/2021/2/5/understanding-fight-flight-freeze-and-the-fawn-trauma-response
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202010/are-you-narcissist-s-flying-monkey
Basically, the people in your life sound like they are in the denial or self-absorbed camps, and you are stuck outside both of them. Kudos to you for actually having standards in your relationships and friendships because people too often sacrifice those to placate people who don’t deserve it. Your anger comes from knowing that this is too important a principle on which to compromise.
At this point, it might be time to start looking for new friends. Perhaps folks seeing you being happy and free from toxicity will encourage them to join you.
As always, feel free to reach out if you have any questions.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile
Hi, @Mia Bella ! Thank you so much for reaching out to Asking Jude. Our peer counsellor, Angelica, will be answering you within the next 48 hours; however, if you need an answer sooner, simply notify us, and we'll happily accommodate you! Until then, stay strong.