Hi,
I don't know if this is something you can help me with or not. But here goes. This is a long one.
When I (female) was around 15-16 I was in a very intense relationship with a guy. He was very controlling and manipulative about our relationship. I would even go as far as to say he was mentally and sexually abusive. All of this were things that I would not realize or understand until I was older but at the time I dealt with it because I thought I was in love. Fast forward a year into our relationship and I wind up pregnant at 17. He's ecstatic, because he wanted me to have a baby. We get engaged. Three months later I suffer a miscarriage. He immediately blames me and my family for additional stress and begins threatening bodily harm to them if I don't get pregnant again right away. I, of course, am terrified and miserable. But at this point I've had enough so I break up with him and move on.
Fast forward to ten years later. I am not entirely over the emotional trauma that our entire relationship put me through. He has recently reached out to me to rekindle friendship and I am unsure of what to do. Logically I know I should ignore him but a part of me wonders what if he was right person, wrong time, I guess? I am just looking for someone's else's opinion. Am I right in staying away?
Hey there,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. Talking to someone with an objective point of view often helps us gain perspective on the situation. It was brave of you to take this first step. Toxic and abusive relationships are always difficult to navigate, especially at an age as young as seventeen. I am sorry for the loss of your baby and that the relationship you had with your partner was harmful.
I understand your indecision regarding whether or not you should rekindle a friendship with him. It can be tempting to reach out; you may tend to focus on only the positive memories with him and believe that he knows you better than anyone. You were incredibly brave and mature in leaving him in the first place, especially since he threatened harm to your family. While people can mature and change, it is important to understand that anyone who genuinely loves you would never intimidate you, threaten you, or cause you harm. It is common for partners to act differently after a miscarriage, but you mentioned his abusive behavior began before the pregnancy, which is a strong indicator that he is capable of repeating these behaviors.
Here is some additional information on red flags in relationships: https://nnedv.org/content/red-flags-of-abuse/. If you do decide to reach out to him, make sure you understand the risks associated with this decision. Make it clear to him at the beginning that his behavior needs to change if he expects to be in contact with you. You should also make sure you have a support system of people that can help you and a safety plan in place in the event that you feel unsafe or threatened.
I have provided an article about domestic violence and the process of creating change: https://www.ananiasfoundation.org/reconciliation-after-domestic-violence/. You may find some of the questions toward the end helpful. They are directed at the person causing abuse, but they could help you evaluate your previous relationship before you decide whether or not you want to be friends with him.
I have also linked some additional information on healthy and unhealthy traits to look for in relationships: https://youth.gov/youth-topics/teen-dating-violence/characteristics. Thinking about these traits can help you further analyze your relationship with your ex.
Throughout this process, please always remember that none of this, including the miscarriage and his abusive behavior, was your fault. We cannot control the actions of others, but we can control how we respond to those actions. If you feel uneasy about being in contact with him again, please understand that it is completely within your right to refuse his offer of friendship.
I hope some of this information was helpful. Do not hesitate to reach out to Asking Jude again if you have any further questions.
Good luck,
Andrea