so a little more than about 2 months ago, i was starting to feel really lonely because of quarantine. i only leave the house for my part time job, and a weekly walk with my dad so i dont really socialize as much as i normally do. i like to think of myself as an introvert with ADHD, that balances out to an ambivert if that helps, but anyways i found this minecraft server that i joined, and has a discord server for it also. ive been interacting a lot on it lately and its really helped me - but theres been so much drama on them. i could care less about the struggles of the drama itself, i need almost any social interactions i can get right about now: but my problem is im not dealing with them in the best way i can be. im 19 years old, and i wanna be a high school math teacher when i grow up, and be cause of my adhd and dyslexia, my mom thrust responsibility upon me at a young age but i never had any real power to back it up. i wasn't allowed to goof off and have fun with my younger cousins because 'im older, i have to be responsible and keep them in check' aka be the bad guy when both my younger cousins and brother AND ME want to have fun. otherwise i would get yelled at. Loud noises and being yelled at scare me literaly more than anything else in the world. i will literally do anything you tell me to if you yell enough, and thus leads me to my current predicament of putting too much pressure on myself to fix every bad thing that happens on the discord and minecraft server. theres about 130 members on the discord server, and i can only name less than 10 people over the age of 17, but be cause i love psychology so much (hence kind of why i wanna be a teacher) i understand that the younger the brain, the less well it functions because its literally not developed as much yet. and i know my brain isnt done developing yet too, but i still got a good headway on most everyone else on the servers as a 19 year old.
to give you an idea, the oldest mod on the servers is 16 years old, shes the owner, but is hardly ever on and refuses to do almost anything (said so by another mod) without the co owner who is 13. most of the other mods are literally 11 and 13. we've actually had a drama situation based on age once because of this, discord has an age requirement of 13 and older but the mods banned someone for being 12 even tho their birthday was in like 2 weeks, and there are still at least three 11 year olds on the mod team
either way, i try my best to diffuse the situations as they arise, and point out how the mods could do better (they really weren't prepared to open up a public minecraft server and it shows - one of them even confessed to rushing it) most of the issues are involving disrespect between both mods to reg players, and reg players to mods. everyone's frustrated at this point and im about at the end of my rope. i truly believe that if the mods put in the work and effort, the servers can become something truly great. i get along just fine with multiple reg players, and one of the legal adults (same age as me actually) have been voice calling and are getting married in minecraft (its an in game relationship only we talked about it before) so i have her to share my struggles with, and ive been pointing out to her all the outrageous things that have been happening, but just earlier today we had a serious conversation about the whole drama thing which i will explain in a bit - first id like to explain something that happened 2 days ago.
so the thing that happened 2 days ago was one of the 11 year old mods (lets call her frog lord) had posted something along the lines of 'why do all the adults on this server have a god complex?' and i realized just how true that rings out for me unfortunately. ive put myself in an unnecessary place of superiority as one of the very few legal adults, by trying to fix everything (and ive tried to remain unbiased in all situations too because each party is capable of doing things wrong). ive put too much pressure on myself to fix everything, and my big theory as to why is that deep down im constantly scared that if i do something wrong, that if im not responsible and get everyone there under control, then im going to get yelled at. that thought terrifys me just thinking about it actually happening if my mom finds out about the whole server thing in depth. even though i know it should be unreasonable that my mom would find out or react as harshly as im afraid of, the fear of it happening is loud enough to make me cry.
im pretty sure all the mods dont like me because i keep butting into all the drama, and one of them has even accused me in public chat of minimodding, and at least 3 of the other mods showed that they agree with it. (i also tend to, when trying to fix everything, type out an entire essay kinda like this, and recently ive realized that some people really do just break down when the see big blocks of text like what i write so im sure some of the reg players dont like me for it also but ive heard nothing to indicate it except from the mods)
but anyways, just today i was telling that other 19 year old friend thats gonna marry my in the game about one of the recent outrageous things that happened and she responded by basically saying that, 'i know its a part of ur personality and stuff but the drama is too much for me sometimes. like sometimes i just wanna play minecraft, but i know ur trying to make the server better so i hope this isnt rude or upsets you. lets just let some things be and not be a part of everything' she was very chill about calling me out, and i appreciate her for doing it. i regret stressing her out so much about it by dragging her into my wars so while i cant garentee ill stop butting in everywhere so soon, i can promise to not drag her into it anymore than necessary (like if it involves the both of us and not just solely me)
i know i need to work on myself, like my god complex or irrational fear of getting yelled at, but i dont know how. i dont want to drag more people on the server into the mud with me so i need to figure out how to fix myself. the problem with that is, y first go to method would be a therapist, but i cant afford one and while my parents most likely could (or at least agree to help pay for part of it), im in fear of mentioning any of it to my mother less she silently (or vocally) disown or belittle me for it - no matter what the chances are. my parents are paying for all but 6,000$ worth of my college (as we have calculated thusfar) and ever since senior year of high school ive been in fear of breaking away from my mom or upsetting her so much that she refuses to pay for it anymore. i dont care what the chances of it happening is, it *terrifies* me. then theres also the issue of me being straight up terrified of doing anything adult responsible on my own like going to the store to buy extra pepperoni for work (which i would be paid back for even for gas) because my stupid boss isnt good at her job and cant buy enough of what we need ever, or even go to the bank to deposit a check. heck i cant even leave my house without a backpack full of stuff i probably wont use (and i refuse to leave it in the car also, it has to be *with me* at all times) because what if i need it? what if theres not enough time to go to the car and get the desired item?
theres a hella lot more worry's on that last thing but its kinda unrelated to what this ask is supposed to be about so i might send another ask about it but idk, rn im more focused on the god complex and fear of being yelled at for not being responsible and fixing things
for a long time i knew that i wouldent be able to handle young children (like the ones on the server) for extended amounts of time, and thats why ive decided to teach HIGH SCHOOL so ive thought about just muting the server for a bit, but that would just agitate me even more because 'what if im pinged and i dont know, what if i miss something important, what if i lose my chance at something' ect. im a very thorough person, probably why this is so long and why i read literally every thing that the people say because 'what if its mildly important?' like i have no problem with being like that, or even taking my backpack with me everywhere as stated before, but the problem is is hinders my ability to progress forward in the most common method - it makes me feel good and better about myself to be like that, and unless its pointed out that its hindering and making myself a bother for other people to interact with me because of, then im fine with it. but when its pointed out i do be feeling guilty as all heck for several days because i know im already a hindrance and a bother - an unnecessary obstical for other people because of my adhd, picky apatite, and even dyslexia at times. i usually try to push it back as much as i can because i struggle to understand my own emotions (mostly negative ones like anger and extreme sadness) but sometimes its unavoidable and if i DO push it back, ill feel guilty for not feeling guilty about it in the first place and thats worse than the first option.
i really just dont know what to do anymore. some links to like, youtube videos, or websites, or even like articles or books to read to help me get started on fixing myself would be really appreciate if you have any. im sorry for the ridiculously long ask