I had a check up with my Dr. today and they were able to push my appointment to see a psychiatrist sooner than my original appointment for depression/mental health. I've realized appointments can be pretty triggering for me because of all the questions they ask which can be overwhelming. I was doing pretty great mentally today I thought when I woke up, but then they asked me (routinely) if I've had any suicidal ideations. My immediate instinct is always to say no, because I feel like that's what I'm supposed to say? I don't think I'm entirely clear on what that question even entails... Every morning on my drive to work I hit this road that becomes a two lane road where the vehicles come in opposite directions. I take this road everyday except weekends for maybe 10-15 minutes. A lot of semi-trucks come down this road and every morning I can't help, but think if I just close my eyes and veer off a little to the left when a semi is coming...It seems comforting when the sun is hitting just right through the trees, but I don't think I could ever actually do it. Is this a suicidal ideation? Should I be sharing this with my dr?
I know what suicide does to people - Which is part of why I don't think I could do it. I lost my best friend in high school to suicide. I think about her every day and it's been years. A lot of times I still don't even believe it was a suicide. The police didn't even want to question the last person I knew she was with before her family realized she was missing and I spent a lot of time placing my anger and confusion on him until I think I internalized it and now struggle making or maintaining friends (but that can be for various reasons). I used to pick her up every morning before school so we could share cigarettes on our walks through the alleys before first period. We used to think we were so cool and now it's just funny. When they told me they found her in an alley a part of me wondered if she wanted me to find her. I guess I'll never know.
Talking openly to anyone, including a psychiatrist, can feel uncomfortable and difficult. However, understand that your doctor is making room in their schedule to speak with you and help you in any way they can. It may be difficult to open up at first since the things they ask feel invasive, but it is to your benefit to be honest and simply talk about what’s on your mind. I do think that you should share with your psychiatrist about the morning thoughts you have, regardless of whether or not you believe they are suicidal ideations. Perhaps talking with your doctor can allow you to understand why you have these thoughts and what the best solutions to coping with them are.
Also, I am very sorry for your loss. When coping with a loved one’s death, I find it easier to think about the good times I shared with my them, reflect on the good memories, and focus on the ways they have helped me become a better person. Reminiscing the fun memories you’ve shared with your best friend (like sharing cigarettes and your exciting adventures together) can help you move forward.
I hope this helps. I wish you the best and hope you get the love and support you need. Remember to be patient with the healing process, and try not to be afraid to get into deep conversations with your doctor. Your family, friends, and doctors are your support system and can help you through this. You are also welcome to talk with us at Asking Jude. Below, I have included some resources that you can check out:
Hi, @Mia Bella ! Thank you for reaching out to us. One of our peer counsellors, Jennie, will be answering your submission within 48 hours. If you need an answer sooner than that, let us know. Until then, stay strong.