I had a check up with my Dr. today and they were able to push my appointment to see a psychiatrist sooner than my original appointment for depression/mental health. I've realized appointments can be pretty triggering for me because of all the questions they ask which can be overwhelming. I was doing pretty great mentally today I thought when I woke up, but then they asked me (routinely) if I've had any suicidal ideations. My immediate instinct is always to say no, because I feel like that's what I'm supposed to say? I don't think I'm entirely clear on what that question even entails... Every morning on my drive to work I hit this road that becomes a two lane road where the vehicles come in opposite directions. I take this road everyday except weekends for maybe 10-15 minutes. A lot of semi-trucks come down this road and every morning I can't help, but think if I just close my eyes and veer off a little to the left when a semi is coming...It seems comforting when the sun is hitting just right through the trees, but I don't think I could ever actually do it. Is this a suicidal ideation? Should I be sharing this with my dr?
I know what suicide does to people - Which is part of why I don't think I could do it. I lost my best friend in high school to suicide. I think about her every day and it's been years. A lot of times I still don't even believe it was a suicide. The police didn't even want to question the last person I knew she was with before her family realized she was missing and I spent a lot of time placing my anger and confusion on him until I think I internalized it and now struggle making or maintaining friends (but that can be for various reasons). I used to pick her up every morning before school so we could share cigarettes on our walks through the alleys before first period. We used to think we were so cool and now it's just funny. When they told me they found her in an alley a part of me wondered if she wanted me to find her. I guess I'll never know.