I feel hyper aware of myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my actions. That leads to me feeling extremely self critical, and I can’t help but hate myself. I believe I create and are in charge of my thoughts, actions and feelings; so when I think of something bad (for example subconsciously judging someone’s outfit) or do something bad (for example spending money instead of saving it, eating junk food) I get so angry with myself!
Because if I am aware that is a bad thing to do, say or feel; then why do I do it! Or if I know I need to do x,y and z to become my best self, then why don’t I do it! I have too much self awareness but no self discipline😭 I cant help but just hate myself, and the person I am. If someone else did something bad or had a bad thought, I wouldn’t judge them, because I would feel that they didn’t have a bad intention; they just couldn’t help it because they are human and we are not perfect.
But when it comes to myself, I get so angry With myself. I wish I could just be normal, and not overthink and overfeel bad over every little thing I do or say that isn’t perfect. I wish I was ignorant to some point even or careless, and didn’t try to be perfect, and just didn’t care of what I thought or did was bad, that I could just pretend that it didn’t matter.
Because I’m not even a bad person; I am always kind and sweet and shy and helpful to others. But my mind is just a mess. I feel I have someone constantly judging me and seeing me and seeing that I am a terrible person who just sucks, and someone who just hates me: but it is myself! It isn’t no one else. And I can’t help it😭 All this self hatred and unhappiness, makes me wish for other people to be unhappy as well! I know that is horrible, but I can’t help it 😭 Because why is it fair, that only I am this ruined and broken and dumb. I deserve happiness and inner peace as much as everyone else, but I just won’t. I feel so lost and terrible about myself, and the way I am. I hope you have some advice, or just some recognition for me 😭 I feel so alone and dumb.
Hi love,
First of all, I want you to know that you are nowhere near alone in how you are feeling, and that you are strong! So many people are their biggest self-critics and strive to be ‘perfect,’ too. You may have noticed that these unrealistic expectations for yourself often lead to criticism and feelings of self-hatred. Being kind to yourself and learning to develop reasonable expectations is a difficult process. Battling with your own thoughts can be nerve-wracking and exhausting, and I completely empathize with how you are feeling. Here are some tips that help me when I find myself being self-critical: https://happinesson.com/how-to-overcome-self-criticism/.
I also want you to know that your thoughts do not define you. Everyone has intrusive thoughts occasionally, and as long as you do not act upon them, they are completely normal. For instance, if you subconsciously judge someone’s outfit, it’s just a thought! As long as you don’t say anything out loud about the outfit to the person, it is totally normal and okay to think about it. Try not to beat yourself up over it. I know that’s easier said than done, but I challenge you to shift your mindset into something positive when you find yourself having a frustrating thought. For instance, in this case, rather than getting angry with yourself for having the judgemental thought, be proud of yourself that you did not say anything judgmental out loud to the person! Here is an article that talks more about how to deal with intrusive thoughts: https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/unwanted-intrusive-thoughts.
Another piece of advice that I have is to start journaling. Personally, journaling has helped me immensely with my self-growth. During the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, I journaled nearly every time I had a ‘bad’ thought. I find that journaling helps me focus and escape what I’m thinking about. Here are some useful journaling prompts that you can use about self-love: https://robynliechti.com/blogs/journaling-resources/30-journal-prompts-for-self-love.
Lastly, I challenge you to talk to yourself as you would to a friend or a loved one who feels the way that you do. We tend to be kinder to others than we are to ourselves; next time you are being self-critical, imagine you were talking to a friend about their feelings (you will likely find yourself being more lenient). As you said, nobody is perfect and we are all human. This includes you! It’s okay to have inconsistencies and fluctuations in your thoughts and behaviors. Everybody does! You deserve all of the happiness in the world and you deserve to love yourself! I know it’s a difficult journey, but I know that you will get there. I believe in you! If you need anything else at all, or just someone to talk to, please feel free to reach out. I hope this helps!
<3 Rebecca Klein
Hello there, @Hannah Ericson ! Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I'm so sorry that you're going through such a difficult time. One of our peer counsellors, Rebecca, will respond shortly. Until then, stay strong. <3