Burning bridges

Peter Nicholas · 2020-08-26T07:38:55.782Z

Every relationship in my life has ended this way... there’s nothing ever to return to either because I fall out with my friends or I decide I can’t handle it anymore. it takes so much effort for me to maintain anything between myself and another person that I just give up. and that hurts their feelings but eventually they let go too. I’ve grown to be quite impatient I guess and tend to give up easier every time although ive tried, I’ve tried my best to do better In the end I shut people out and block them if things don’t just fall away. but then again there was never much interest in me in the first place. if I don’t sound like a good friend from this well that’s right, and I’m boring company as well. Its so uncomfortable for me and for them. But I’m sick of running away all of the time. I feel like a coward. And weak. I want something in my life to end positively if not last.

Jude

Aug 27

Hi love,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are struggling with maintaining relationships in your life.

You are not weak or a coward. Sometimes, it is easier to end things. Although they may not end positively, they end for the best. You deserve to have people in your life who accept you for who you are and people with whom you are comfortable around. You deserve to be around people who make you feel like you can be yourself. You mentioned that people don’t have interest in you in the first place and that you are boring company. I am so sorry you feel that way, but that is not true. You are a human being and there is so much to you. You are not the issue; it is other people who lack patience in getting to know others, and it is their loss.

You mentioned that you are sick of running away and an ideal situation would be to build relationships with new people that will last. Of course, that won’t be easy; it takes a lot of effort. However, the work you put into this will be worth it in the end. I want you to know that you are not alone. There are countless people out there who are just as uncomfortable as you are and have a hard time making new friends. Sometimes, you have to be the first one to open up in order to meet new people to see if you click. It sounds like the relationships in your past were with people who didn’t have enough patience. You simply have to find the right people who will care enough about you and it will take time.

Confidence is really important. Even if you feel nervous, smile at people. Others are attracted to happy and confident people, and if you try, you definitely will get there. Smile, attract people, connect, build confidence, smile… it’s a cycle. If you do not connect with someone, that’s okay. You will meet someone else. You are not alone. There are many people out there who are looking for friends and will be doing the same thing as you—trying.

Speak up in group settings, give people compliments, and ask questions if you have similar interests with another person. If you aren't already in clubs and organizations, joining is a good way to meet new people. Once you meet the right person, you will get a different feeling and you will know that you are comfortable around this person. Maybe they will introduce you to their friends or other people and you will start feeling more comfortable because you trust the first person you clicked with. You will feel more at ease, and slowly, you will be able to find yourself better at maintaining relationships and not cutting people off easily.

I would highly recommend talking to someone about your situation. You mentioned that you have grown to be quite impatient, and talking to someone about this can motivate you to be more patient on this journey. Whether it is a friend, family member, someone you trust, or speaking with someone confidentially (I provided resources below), talking about your feelings and about what’s going on in your life can be really beneficial to you in helping you come up with ideas for how to deal with this.

If you are open to speaking with a therapist, your primary care physician can give you a list of local therapists. You can reach out to some of them and find out if they accept your insurance. Laws require certain health insurance to cover mental healthcare.

For your convenience, here is a link to a therapist/psychologist web search.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

Here is a link that describes how you can find low-cost therapy and psychiatry:

https://www.moneyunder30.com/affordable-therapy.

The NAMI HelpLine is a free, nationwide peer-support service providing information, resource referrals and support to people living with mental health conditions, their family members and caregivers, mental health providers and the public. The NAMI HelpLine can offer you sympathy, support, and provide you with information about resources in your community. HelpLine staff and volunteers are experienced, well-trained and able to provide guidance. To contact the NAMI HelpLine, please call tel:800-950-NAMI (6264), Monday through Friday from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m., ET, or send an email to mailto:info@nami.org.

Here is a video about changing your mindset to being more empowered. It is really helpful when dealing with social anxiety, so I would really recommend watching.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkbNL74Qpyw

Asking Jude also has a youtube video on dealing with social anxiety that you might find helpful. Check it out!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoiOxyEm3qI&list=PLHgItcB9jI-A-oVb6N7KGZZG6ItpR739G

Lastly, these blogs consist of tips for maintaining relationships.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201301/5-ways-maintain-lifelong-friendships

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-happiness-project/201001/eight-tips-maintaining-friendships

Please don’t hesitate to reach out again for further guidance. You deserve people in your life who care about you!

Hugs,

Maayan