Dear Jude,
I’m about to turn fifteen years old. I was born on my aunt’s sixteenth birthday, and my brother was born on my sixth. In short, we all share a birthday. I’ve never had my own birthday party before, not that I ever want one. I have severe social anxiety, and our family is really big. Every year, around 20 people come to my house for a few hours. I’m not allowed to hide in my room because, according to my father, I shouldn’t be afraid of my own family. This year he is taking us to Stop-N-Play. I’m terrified of going to arcades, especially since there’s so many people. He’s already made reservations for a party area, and I’m considering faking sick to stay home. I’m working on my social anxiety, but I’m not ready to go there yet. I can barely get through the school day. What should I do?
Hello there,
First, I’d like to wish you a happy early birthday! You are probably feeling stressed and overwhelmed with the situation surrounding your birthday, but don’t forget to do something special for yourself. You deserve to be celebrated. You also deserve to be comfortable. Having social anxiety will also mean you'll have to approach something like birthday celebrations a little differently, but I'd like to state that there is nothing "wrong" or "weird" about having it--even if people in your life try to convince you otherwise. Here are some tips that you may find helpful: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-overcome-social-anxiety/. Something I think may be especially beneficial is reaching out for support. Is there anyone in your family you are really close to who will also be there? Let them know how you are feeling and what your needs are.
It may be time to have another conversation with your dad. I know this sounds daunting, and it can be very frustrating when a parent doesn’t understand what you’re saying or where you’re coming from. It is important that you continue to communicate with him about how you are feeling and what you need. I am not sure whether or not your father has social anxiety, but it sounds like he may not. That is okay, but it can make empathizing difficult. Here are some tips on how to have difficult conversations with family members: https://health.umms.org/2020/10/05/difficult-conversations-with-family/. Explain to your dad about what a stressful time you’ve been having. If you have any ideas on how to make this easier for you, share them with him. Perhaps the two of you can compromise. Maybe you don’t have to stay at the party for a long time, or maybe you can arrive early, so you can have time to adjust to the situation. And worse comes to worse, if it's too much for you, you can simply not go; it's your birthday too after all.
If it is too late to cancel the reservation, you may feel obligated to go. You do not have to, but if you choose to go, here are some tips on how to give yourself space during a social event. Take a step back from the situation by going outside or going to the bathroom for a few minutes. Focus on breathing slowly and evenly. Run cool water over your fingertips. These things may help ease your anxiety. Here are some tips on how to prepare for a social situation when you have social axiety: https://www.anxiety.org/2-ways-to-counter-the-vicious-cycle-of-social-anxiety-disorder-sad. Something that I think may help is getting yourself in the right frame of mind. For example, try to find something positive in the event to look forward to. Cake, games, or celebrating yourself can be little highlights to look forward to.
Happy birthday, and good luck!
Andrea