hi! iv'e been ttalking with my friends. i havn't come out to my parents yet and they say I'm selfish. I'm in a safe environment and my family would be fine with it but I just don't feel ready. i don't want things to change. am I being selfish?
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Hi love,
Thank you for contacting Asking Jude. I’m so proud of you for coming out to your friends because that’s such a massive step towards being comfortable with who you are. No, you are not selfish for not coming out to your parents. Your friends should not have said that to you, because it’s not true. You have every right to come out to your parents when you are ready too. There is no need to rush, especially if you are not mentally prepared to do it.
If you’re not ready to come out and do so, it could make you feel distressed, and we don’t want that to happen, okay? I know that you’re scared that things will change, and that’s okay. This is scary for you because you don’t want your parents to treat you any differently, even though you know they will be supportive. I don’t think that things will change in the way that you think they are. Being part of the LGBT+ community is part of your identity, but it doesn’t change who you are. You’re still their child; they will love you no matter what and will support you.
I think that your anxiety about the situation makes you think about the worst-case scenario, so I believe it’s essential that you try to challenge those scary thoughts. It may not take away your worries, but hopefully, they will set you at ease. Here is a handout on different types of negative thoughts that you should look through https://www.anxietycanada.com/sites/default/files/ThinkingTraps.pdf; I found these two guides on how to handle these types of negative thoughts: https://www.anxietycanada.com/articles/challenge-negative-thinking/ and https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/challenging-negative-thoughts.pdf.
I found these guides with helpful tips and advice for coming out:
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Coming-Out-Handbook.pdf.
https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-come-out-to-parents-tips.
https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/coming-out.html.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-parent-crap-10-tips-for-coming-out_b_2104164.
In addition to the resources above, I recommend that you utilize helplines for added support. I think that it would be helpful to speak with someone in real-time that isn’t biased and can provide adequate advice. The good thing about hotlines is that they are free, confidential, and available 24/7. Here are my suggestions:
Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741 to speak with a crisis counselor.
7 Cups of Tea: Visit www.7cups.com or download their app (IOS or Google Play) to create an account. Once you have, you can start chatting with a trained volunteer or participate in support groups.
The Trevor Project offers four different ways to contact their support staff. They provide suicide prevention as well as emotional support. Visit https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/ to get started.
TrevorSpace is a peer-run online support group for LGBT and questioning individuals between the ages of 12 and 35. I think that this would be an excellent place for you to receive advice from people who have gone through something similar to you and feel less alone. Visit https://www.trevorspace.org/ to get started.
The LGBT National Youth Talkline offers one-on-one support for LGBT+ youth as well as other services. Their helpline is open Monday-Saturday and through email. Visit https://www.glbthotline.org/youth-talkline.html to view the hotline hours, their number, and email address.
Q Chat Space is another peer-run support group for LGBT+ youth, except there are no forums. These group meetings happen at pre-scheduled times. Visit https://www.qchatspace.org/ for more information on how to get started.
Remember, you are not selfish for waiting to come out to your parents. Your friends should be supportive of your decision to wait. By stating that you’re being selfish, they are diminishing how you feel about the situation. It’s not easy to come out, and they need to understand that even though you came out to them, it doesn’t mean that’s an easy process. It’s hard and scary. Please do what you feel is right and don’t let anybody make you feel bad about it. I hope that when you decide to tell your parents that it goes smoothly that you are happy and comfortable with who you are. You can do this. If you need any more support, please don’t hesitate to come back to Asking Jude.
P.S check out Asking Jude’s YouTube channel for helpful videos at www.youtube.com/c/AskingJude.
Love,
Meggan