Hello Jude!
I’m starting with the premise that I’m a pretty closed off person and that I have never, in all my 19 years of life, had a crush or a romantic attraction to anyone. I recently started to experiment “going out” with a guy like 4 months ago and had my first kiss. Eventually he started to catch feelings (I didn’t) and even if I wanted do more with him I had to stop this thing because I felt like using him since I didn’t like him in that way. Then I downloaded Tinder to find other queer women (I’m bi) since I live in a small town and it’s difficult to find them here. I eventually ended up going out with three girls, but one of them didn’t inspire me much so I currently am texting with the other two. I went out two times with one of them and yesterday it was the third time. When I met her up at the station she was with a guy. I immediately understood he wasn’t a friend. The situation got embarrassing since me and the guy started staring at each other until she quickly hugged him and he took the train to go home. I asked her who was him and she started telling me things that were obv red flags about him (she didn’t seem aware of that). Now, I too am hanging out with another person (the other girl) so it’s not that I’m jealous…but the thing is that I had started to feel, even if little, something for her. But when she told me that she was hanging out with me and that guy, who was a walking red flag , you know what I’m saying, putting me and him at the same level in her mind made me feel extremely disrespected. Like I understand if she was hanging out with decent people but HIM…come on now. So my little feelings for her immediately dropped. The date went well we chatted and made out and a bit more in my car but now I see her in a confused way, like a nice person to hang out it and someone to have sex with. No more feeling. Tell me what you think and sorry if this is a bit stupid.
My first question to you is, do you want to be in a relationship in the first place? The vibes I’m getting from your post seem to indicate no, but I want to be sure.
You are right that the situation with the girl and her bf was very suspicious; I can completely understand her not wanting to go meet up with someone she met online all by herself, but the way she went about it just seems…off. As I read, I was expecting you to say she asked you to join them in the bedroom, but I’m glad I was wrong. (That happens too often with bi women, unfortunately).
When you were talking about the guy, you mentioned red flags. Did you mean that her being with him and talking about him was a going to be a roadblock for your potential relationship with her? Or did you mean that the guy had a lot of bad behavior that she was attempting to excuse away? Either way, it’s best to just steer clear of them because they don’t sound like they’ll be a good match for you. Besides, as I mentioned prior, they should be asking if you’re comfortable with joining them and forming a polycule, not springing it on you like that.
It’s great that you know that you’re bi. Did you know that there’s more to attraction than just the gender of your partner? I am getting some what I call grayscale vibes here from your post; in other words, I am suspecting that you are not alloromantic or possibly even allosexual, and you are instead closer to the demiromantic or demisexual side (or even further towards aromantic or asexual). These words describe the frequency (if at all) and conditions under which you can experience romantic or sexual attraction, respectively.
To elaborate, someone who is alloromantic is someone who can experience romantic attraction just in general, and may not require particular conditions to be met in order to experience it. Someone who is demiromantic, such as myself, requires a strong emotional bond and much emotional intimacy for romantic feelings to have a chance of developing. Someone who is aromantic experiences little to no romantic attraction at all.
The same can be said for sexual attraction. It may help to remember that you can exist on different parts of the scale for romantic and sexual attraction. In other words, your criteria for romantic attraction can differ than that of your sexual attraction.
If you would like to go down these rabbit holes, I have some great places for you to check out:
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-alloromantic-5235473
https://www.reddit.com/r/lgballt/
https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Demiromantic
The Fandom that is linked above is a treasure-trove of LGBT+ knowledge.
It is also possible that you are feeling the pressure of amatonormativity. This is the idea that romantic relationships are the ideal life goal for people; this is the norm, and everyone should be in one or seeking them out.
I have an article from the professor who coined the term and an article about why it’s unfair:
https://elizabethbrake.com/amatonormativity/
https://www.thecut.com/2017/03/amatonormativity-everybody-should-be-coupled-up.html
The pressure to be in a relationship might be interfering with your natural processing; it genuinely is harder for you to learn to trust your own judgment when you feel rushed or pressured into something. I am glad you listened to your instincts when they told you to get away from that couple in your post; at best, their communication skills are nowhere near where they need to be. There is also the fact that you are simply young and still figuring yourself out; you are still outgrowing old habits and high school experiences. You may not have had enough chances to meet enough different kinds of people yet, so you might just need to keep broadening your horizons and meet more people. You can find all sorts of cool people to befriend and/or date through classes, clubs, or volunteer work.
I am wondering if, perhaps, a queer-platonic partnership would work better for you. That is a relationship that occupies the liminal space between friendship and romantic partner. It’s great for folks who desire more than friendship without all the social or cultural baggage or expectations of romantic relationships. This article explains it quite nicely: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/bound-together/202109/queerplatonic-relationships-new-term-old-custom
I really hope this helps make some sense of a confusing situation. Remember that you still have lots of room to grow and learn; I was your age when I started questioning and figuring things out, and it took me till I was maybe 25 to find enough of the right labels for myself. Three years later, I’m still trying to learn more and see if I’ve outgrown any of them yet.
Feel free to reach out if you have any other questions.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile