To make a long story short, I married the man of my dreams two years ago. We are building each other up, working on our careers, building a home, I'm even seeking therapy for my OCD. But, something has happened and I am very confused. A few weeks ago I met this girl online and we quickly became friends. She's super awesome and we have so much in common. I think I am beginning to have a crush on her.. I don't know what to do. I have never had a crush on a woman before.. Help.
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Hi love,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you. You were at a point in your life when you were constantly growing and evolving. You most likely felt very accomplished and happy with the state of your life. So now this sudden change has blindsided you, and understandably, you’re unsure of what to do.
Not only can this discovery make you change the way you view yourself, but can also completely shake up everything you’ve worked to build so far. So being confused is valid, and I applaud you for reaching out and analyzing your emotions further. The fact is, sexuality falls on a spectrum and some people develop attraction towards people of both genders. It is normal to have fantasies about someone from the same gender, and while it can be quite frightening to think about, all that should matter is what you want.
I would say love or attraction stems from a need for attention, support, intimacy, and safety. Human beings are social and crave all those things, and therefore develop crushes and crave relationships. You mentioned that you have so much in common with the person and you click. I would first suggest you analyze whether this is a platonic or a romantic attraction based on how your current relationship with your husband is. Are you living a fulfilled life? Is there something in your relationship that you’re missing that you want to fill with this girl? Analyzing that will help you understand why you are looking for love elsewhere.
This is a powerful feeling, and I’m glad you are able to put it out in the open. It sounds like you might be bisexual, but you don’t really need a label as you continue to explore your sexuality. With or without a label your identity is valid. I would suggest you talk to people you trust the most (friends, family, even your husband) about how you feel. You can be attracted to women and still have a happy marriage with your husband. Having a crush doesn’t necessarily mean you need to act on it, but it might be worth considering whether you want to. Do you picture yourself in a relationship with her over your husband?
Here are some articles with people who have been in your situation. Understanding different perspectives and figuring out your emotions will help you live your life honestly. If you have trouble unpacking your emotions, it may also help to visit a therapist and work through it together.
-https://cupofjo.com/2019/07/how-to-know-if-youre-bisexual/
-https://medium.com/s/story/married-monogamous-and-bisexual-abeaf97ac9cb
-https://yesandyes.org/2017/10/bisexual-married-to-man.html
-https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/coming-terms-with-bisexuality-advice-married-women/
Wishing you all the best,
Manisha