Hi, first of all, i feel like im always coming here for advice so i just wanted to tell you how much i appreciate what youre doing here :) Anyway. So I've always identified as straight, I always liked boys and dated boys and whenever I think about something relationships related, my first instinct is to imagine a boy, but sometimes I see a girl, or or think about a girl and I like her and I wish I wasn't striaght? I'm not sure how to explain it. I feel like sexuality doesn't really matter, I like who I like whoever it is and how they identify, and I would gladly call myself pansexual but I've just never had anything with a girl or felt strong desires about them? It's always been boys and Idk if the thing I feel/think about girls sometimes is attraction or just general, like, kindness towards other humans? I thought it was "cool" to be something other than straight when I was younger for some reason and I'm afraid that this whole "sexuality crisis" is just because of that, that I don't want to be straight even though I am? Like - is that even a thing, wishing you were queer? I really like masculine guys but then I see a girl and I get all butterfly-y. Idk. Is it just a healthy appreciation or is it something more? It feels like I like girls but then if I imagine myself with a girl I feel like something would be... missing? It's possible to prefer a certain gender but still like the other one but - idk. I'm so confused by this because it's not like I like a girl but it's like I want to???
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Hello, Bi woman here. I feel like this is an odd situation because I’m so used to hearing people talk about compulsory heterosexuality, but this is like the opposite of that. Why do you feel you don’t like girls as much as you wish you did? I think it would help to remember that it’s okay to feel unsure of your orientation or your attractions towards people because you’re human. Attractions change over time; sexuality and orientations in general are pretty fluid. You’re also likely young, so as you grow, you gain more nuance in your emotions and attractions towards people.
I think it also helps to remember that even people who are bi, poly, pan, etc. don’t experience attraction the same exact ways. For example, a bi person can have a more romantic attraction towards one gender, but a more physical or sexual attraction towards another. So perhaps you have a more romantic attraction towards boys, but a more aesthetic attraction towards girls? I say aesthetic only because you don’t seem to have a sexual attraction towards girls.
I have some articles here to help explain the differences among attractions and orientations:
There’s a lot to learn about in the LGBT+ community. I suspect that it would be a good idea for you to talk to other members of the community and see what their experiences have been. Perhaps someone else has been in your shoes? Seek out LGBT+ blogs on Tumblr and other sites.
That last article talks about compulsory heterosexuality, but more specifically within the context of writer Adrienne Rich’s essay “Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence.” She was a lesbian feminist author who wrote all about romance, relationships, politics, feminism, etc. I’ve only read her poetry, but I highly recommend that and her other works! She wrote poems such as “Living in Sin” and “Aunt Jennifer’s Tigers.” Perhaps getting some insight from a famous lesbian author can provide some insight here?
You could also be on the grayscale; for example, you could be demisexual or demiromantic. If you’re on the grayscale, you don’t experience attraction very frequently. I’m wondering if you’re on that scale based on the way you describe your feelings towards girls and the fact that you don’t really have a lot of relationship experience (at least, that’s what I see here). Demi people typically experience fleeting attraction, usually unworthy of action, unless they have a strong enough bond with someone. Perhaps that’s what you’re experiencing?
If you’re on the grayscale, that’s in addition to other labels. For example, I’m demisexual, demiromantic, and bisexual. (Still haven’t figured out if I’m biromantic or not at the ripe old age of 26).
I hope I’m not putting words in your mouth here; I’m trying to provide as wide a variety of perspectives as possible to help you. I think it’s also important to remember that you can simply identify as queer or go without a label; you don’t have to have everything figured out right now. It’s okay to take your time.
Hi, Mia! We will answer your submission soon. Thanks!