Hi Jude! My parents are getting old, sick, impatient, grumpy, and lonely. Im a college student and im always worried about keeping balance between my studying and taking care of them. Since I was a kid I believe that they aren’t in a happy marriage and Ive always wanted them to get divorced for their own wellbeing and ours. I’m always convinced that I was an accident and a burden to them. Father has anger management issues and he hasn’t been the best, but I always feel like I have to try my best and be a good daughter specially now that they’re older. How can I cope with this situation without negatively affecting my emotional and physical well being?
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Hi there,
Thank you so much for coming to Asking Jude for advice. This situation can be a very tough one to tackle all on your own, so your discomfort and anxiety when dealing with this is completely understandable.
Relationships with parents and family in general are rocky for many. We are often conditioned to believe that our family’s hardships, no matter how personal to the individual(s), are our problems to tackle and handle as well. Also, we tend to automatically believe that no matter how badly a family member treats you, you have to love and care for them regardless. Both of these are, in the end, untrue if what you feel like you have to face is causing tremendous distress in your life.
A lot of the time, it helps to take a step back and view the situation from an outsider’s point of view. How would someone who is not part of your family deal with this situation? It is likely that they would try their best to emotionally support both parents and refer them to resources that can help them with their issues, but also keep distance where it is needed. Although these are your parents and you obviously want what’s best for them, their marital issues are something that unfortunately cannot be solved by a college-aged person.
What you can attempt to deal with is how they (or your father in particular) treat you. If you feel like you are in any danger whatsoever due to your father’s anger issues, please do not hesitate to reach out to a professional for help. I’ve linked a few of these resources below:
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org
Child Protective Services: https://ocfs.ny.gov/programs/cps/
In response to your question, I would say that properly distancing yourself from the negativity would be the best in feeling stable during this situation and not making it a burden on your own well being. This is definitely easier said than done though, as the situation is obviously important to you and will likely be on your mind. If you are going away for college and living away from home, this is a great way to create a bit of distance and focus on yourself. You can still check in with your parents and all, but putting your energy into your college friends, academics, and extracurriculars will have your mind focus on positive energy instead of negativity. If you are not going away for school, I would suggest still trying to focus mostly on other things rather than your family’s issues. Participating in self care, partaking in hobbies that make you feel happy and confident, and spending time with people who lift you up are all things I’d recommend. Finally, whether you’re away for college or not, I’d recommend reaching out for professional help through a therapist. This can be an in-person therapist or even through online therapy. Therapy can teach you the skills you need to properly cope with the situation and improve your mental health. Here are a few resources for this:
List of online therapy options:
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/online-therapist-for-free
Best of luck,
Jordan
Hello, @anonymous00 ! Jordan will be answering your submission shortly. Thanks!