I’ve been talking to a guy for the past few weeks (maybe about a month and a bit? or more I don’t know) and recently he’s been hinting about going out/flirting with me and I’ve suddenly become afraid that he wants to be in a relationship with me. I get really anxious when thinking about a potential relationship with him—like, anxious to the point I don’t sleep, I feel sick, and I don’t eat. I really care about him (I don’t know if it’s romantic) but this really scares me. I don’t know if it’s just a lack of experience, fear of things going wrong, or something else, but it’s really bothering me. I do have trauma/mental illness which might be making things worse because I don’t want to burden him and I don’t understand why he would willingly want to be with someone with so many issues (this has led to me wondering if I’ve somehow tricked him? which doesn’t make sense). I’ve had friends in the past leave because I was honest about my trauma and they didn’t want to deal with that, so that’s making me nervous too (even though he knows about it and hasn’t left).
I don’t want to say anything just in case I’ve got the wrong impression. I haven’t spoken to him for a few days because I was struggling mentally and I’ve been trying not to push him away, but I keep thinking about it and getting scared. there’s so many thoughts and it feels kinda suffocating. is there anything I can do? thank you so much!
Apologies for the slight delay! I hope this helps:
Hello there,
I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling with these challenges. It sounds like you have been through a lot, so it makes sense that you would feel anxious about the idea of starting a new relationship. The severity of the symptoms are concerning, however.
Not being able to sleep well can greatly impact mental health. Something that you may find helpful is meditating before bed. There are free, guided meditations available on YouTube that may help calm your mind.
Something else that may help with these anxious feelings is exercise. Here is some information about how exercise can lower symptoms of anxiety: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/depression-and-exercise/art-20046495. The exercise does not have to be vigorous or intense—it can be a leisurely activity, such as walking or stretching. The goal is to burn off some of the excess energy that anxiety seems to cause.
It is very brave of you to be honest with those around you about where you are mentally. You have already discovered that not everyone feels they are capable of handling certain situations, but there are people out there that can and do. You are worthy of relationships, whether they are platonic, romantic, or somewhere in-between. Your trauma and mental health struggles do not make you less deserving, even if it feels that way sometimes. Here are some tips on how to change the way you see yourself: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-improve-self-esteem/.
I know that combating your own thoughts is easier said than done. It takes practice, and does not change overnight, but it can be done. This can be done while meditating—think about your thoughts and feelings. What was the trigger, and how are you feeling? Over time, you will be able to talk yourself through your feelings. This is not a way to have negative feelings to go away, but it can help you better understand yourself as well as keep an eye on your mental health. Keeping a journal can also help you navigate your thoughts and feelings.
This is a tough situation, and I know you don’t want to say anything to him for fear of having the wrong idea, but you may feel better getting this off your chest. You don’t have to divulge all of the details of what’s been going on if it makes you uncomfortable, but you can tell him you are uncomfortable with his flirting. Maybe let him know that you’d like to slow things down and focus on building a friendship; that way, there is less pressure. Here are some tips on how to have a a conversation when you don’t like conflict: https://hbr.org/2017/05/how-to-have-difficult-conversations-when-you-dont-like-conflict.
Take your time—you don’t have to talk to him until you’re ready. While you take your time, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Rest when you can, and try to eat. If you have to set a reminder to eat and rest, by all means, do that. You are important, and you matter. Something I think may help you is practicing “the pause.” Whenever you feel overwhelmed, if you can, take a moment to collect yourself. Take slow, deep breaths, and try to focus on something that makes you feel calm. Some people create playlists of their favorite songs (myself included), and they listen to it when they feel uneasy. Here are some tips on how to cope with feeling overwhelmed: https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/2021/03/how-to-take-care-of-yourself-when-youre-feeling-overwhelmed/.
Hang in there, be kind to yourself, and take it one day at a time.
Andrea
Hello there! Thank you so much reaching out to Asking Jude, @kit a ! One of our peer counsellors, Rebecca, will be answering you by Wednesday.
If you'd like free, live mental health care, please, consider using Asking Jude's peer counselling sessions! You'll be matched with a trained team member who will schedule sessions with you once or twice a month via audio/video messaging and/or texting -- whatever you prefer! You also pay what you want, and you receive personalized care.
If you're interested, e-mail jude@askingjude.org. Until then, stay strong! ❤️