im disabled, depressed and alone. im almost 25 and never had a girlfriend. ive tried everything. meeting online, dating apps etc. nothing works. nothing sticks. ill be alone forever
It’s hard to be single when it looks like everyone around you is in a relationship. It’s not fun being single when society places enormous pressure on dating and relationships. The word for that pressure is amatonormativity; this is the idea that being in a couple is the norm and being single means something is wrong with you.
I have an article from the professor who coined the term and an article about why it’s unfair:
Being single in a society that expects you to “couple up” and reproduce is an act of rebellion, whether you know it or not. People expect you to spend your 20s getting your act together so you can settle down and have children. But what if I told you that there’s nothing wrong with you for being single? What if I told you you don’t have to be in a relationship? What if I told you being single is the ultimate freedom and shouldn’t be taken for granted? What if I told you this was the time to build your life and build yourself into the ways YOU want? Given the situation you’re in, I think it’s completely fair for you to take care of yourself first, right now. What I mean by that is use this time to take care of yourself, and learn how to manage your disability/disabilities and the depression (if you haven’t already) so you can live a good life.
If you’re not in therapy yet, I strongly recommend it. If you’re in school still, see if your school offers counseling services. If you aren’t, see if your job has some sort of Employee Assistance Program. See if your parents’ insurance has something for you. Look online, do anything you can; you deserve to be happy and you deserve to find help.
These articles are not meant to just make you feel better; they really show the great parts of being single:
A word of caution: Stay away from MGTOW, Red Pill, or other similar hangouts. These groups won’t help you improve; they’ll just drag you down with them. They love to find sad, lonely people to recruit into their ranks of misery because making other people feel miserable makes them feel better about themselves. These groups just like to blame society and the people around them for their own struggles instead of actually doing something about them. It’s easy to fall into the pit of self-loathing because it’s easier to feel sorry for ourself than it is to do something about our situation.
By that same token, try to avoid the trap of thinking a girlfriend will fix you. A girlfriend (or a partner in general) is not a pacifier. Some folks idealize relationships so heavily that they think dating will fix their problems or cure their illnesses. But the truth is, people do not need others to fix them; being in a relationship, a friendship, or just having a great support network means that you have people to lean on while you heal yourself. That’s what great partners do; they support you as you learn how to take better care of yourself. They help you along the way, but they don’t take care of you FOR you; they don’t solve all your problems or fix everything for you because they’re humans, not superheroes.
Dating apps are very hit-or-miss because they all attract different crowds (or in some cases, different flavors of people you would rather not date). Online relationships can be hard to cultivate because you don’t always know who is on the other side of the screen (much like dating apps). One of the articles I mentioned discusses dating apps and why so many of them are not good choices. People treat them like they’re shopping on Amazon; they forget that there’s a real person on the other end of the device. There’s that and the fact that most people aren’t honest about their intentions.
You still deserve to be loved and respected. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. By doing this, you show people that you won’t stick around if they treat you poorly, which weeds out people who never planned on being good to you in the first place. Living an authentic life means that you can build healthier connections with people who want to be around you and treat you well. You get there by taking good care of yourself and taking it one day at a time and one step at a time.
Too many people wind up stuck in unhappy relationships because they would rather be with the wrong person than be alone. However, it’s infinitely better to be alone and happy than be with someone and be unhappy. Most people think that being alone is worse than settling, but that’s false. People get complacent in stagnant relationships; they fear change, so they hang on for far longer than they should. Remember that pesky amatonormativity? That’s why most folks are in these situations. Really think about whether you want to be in a relationship in the first place because that will stop you from rushing into something or settling.
Hello friend. Thanks for the really thoughtful response :)
Hmm, ive never heard that term before, sounds interesting. But I’m well aware there are many other areas where I’m a “freak” and not normal like everyone else. I’ve accepted years ago that I am and theres nothing i can do about it, and i dont think it bothers me anymore. I just want to have girlfriend for my own reasons. I’m already working on my self and all that, and yes im in therapy.
Im ambivalent about having children for a number of reasons. I also dont think its ethical for someone like me to pass his terrible genes onto a child. Its unfair to the child and society.
I agree I dont like these strange far-right communities. I don’t like any movement that is motivated by feelings of hatred and jealousy, and that applies to the left a well.
I agree with you wholeheartedly on dating apps, i only used them as a last resort and they still failed. I just hate how consumptive and sterile they seem. Its not a natural way to meet someone. I dont even think you should “look” for someone for a relationship in that way, it should be instinctive and spontaneous. Unfortunaly I will never get a girlfriend because Im disabled and will never go to university and these other spaces young people hang out in. I lost my youth already basically since im approaching 25. I lost my time to experience young love and it will haunt me forever, but theres nothing i can do sadly.
I can continue as best I can to build myself in ways that I want to be, but what difference does it make honestly? Ive already grown so much, learned alot, suffered and survived alot, become wise because of it, as well as kind. But what difference does it make? What difference does any of it make?
I’m glad you’re putting in the hard work here. Self-care isn’t easy for anyone, regardless of disabilities. Take it from someone who is a little older than you are; you have your whole life ahead of you and you have so much time to learn and grow and enjoy life. You can grow for your own sake; you can do things for yourself so you can be happy.
The difference is that you can still make your life better. It’s okay to be different. If it makes you feel any better, I’m usually the odd one out; I’m the one who doesn’t really feel like they fit in. So it sounds like you’re particularly isolated and I think that’s impacting you here. I agree with your assessment of dating apps; it’s hard to really know a person on there because you genuinely do not know who is behind the screen. People put up facades all the time on there because they don’t want to be rejected.
Meeting people organically is a great way to build meaningful connections of any sort. COVID is making that difficult, and I understand your disability also makes that harder. Are there any social media hobby groups you can join? Maybe you can find support groups about your disability? I know you said you aren’t going to school; are there any charities, organizations, volunteer groups, anything that you can do? Perhaps just getting a chance to help people will in turn help you.
I would say your best bet is to focus on being a good friend to yourself right now. You remind me of an episode of BoJack Horseman “Good Damage.” In this episode, Diane had a rough childhood and has been dealing with subsequent depression since then. She spends this episode trying so hard to write her memoir about her trauma and depression, but struggles because she can’t remember everything as clearly as she hoped she would. She feels that if she can’t put these experiences down on paper, then they are meaningless; she feels she needs to do something with this damage or else it’s just pointless.
This link explains enough of the episode without talking too much about the other storylines going on in the show.
Your story reminds me a lot of this episode because you wonder what’s the point of going to therapy, learning from life experiences, etc. Perhaps you’re wondering why you have your disability or why you have to go through all these steps to manage it. I say the point is so you can cultivate a life that you’re happy with. You learn how to manage and navigate your disability so you can thrive instead of just surviving. It’s really for your sake. I’m not trying to take you onto the toxic positivity train here; I’m trying to keep you onboard the self-care train.
Are you familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? This is an organized way of looking at humans’ needs; it explains how it’s hard to meet more sophisticated and complex needs when the basic ones haven’t been met yet.
So what I’m seeing here is you might be trying to jump levels or are recognizing the ones you’re having trouble reaching. It sounds like you’re doing well at the lower levels, but having trouble with the higher ones. It looks like you’re getting levels 1 and 2 down, but struggling with 3 and 4. It’s hard to grow into your authentic self when you don’t feel respected or accepted.
I’m glad you’re taking the steps to build a better life for yourself. Remember that is a very valuable goal by itself; living a life that makes you happy is an act of courage in a world that wants to sell you artificial happiness.
You’re always welcome if you have any other questions.
I don't know what to say honestly. Theres nothing to be said. Thanks for the very thoughtful response though. I find that character you mentioned very interesting because I'm going through something very similar. I feel upset that I'm already forgetting alot of my trauma and pain and I feel like I'm just going to forget how bad it is and forever think that I'm a fraud. That I wasted my entire youth for nothing.
COVID might be ending soon, and selfishly i think maybe that would be good for me as well. I hope i can get out and meet people but nothing is going to work. That fact that I'm reduced to just making these posts on reddit asking for friends and getting no responses is such a far cry from what I feel I ought to be doing. I feel like this is not what youth was supposed to be, and I lost it. I feel so jealous of all the people I knew who fell in love in high school. It happened so naturally, they met a girl or guy and it just happened. They lived and went through trials and grew and changed. And I've stayed exactly the same. Sure I may have grown up in many ways but who cares? I'm broken and I have no future. I just know too much. I don't like how much I've grown, it just makes me more miserable that I see how dark the world is. And like I said before, it makes no difference because im just as miserable as ever. Who cares? If I've learned and grown and all that nonsense. I'm left being a 25 year old man with a brain damaged by sleep deprivation, deep emotional scars, malnutritioned, joints permanently damaged from arthritis, a broken body and a ruined soul. My life has been a failure.
It’s hard to be single when it looks like everyone around you is in a relationship. It’s not fun being single when society places enormous pressure on dating and relationships. The word for that pressure is amatonormativity; this is the idea that being in a couple is the norm and being single means something is wrong with you.
I have an article from the professor who coined the term and an article about why it’s unfair:
https://elizabethbrake.com/amatonormativity/
https://www.thecut.com/2017/03/amatonormativity-everybody-should-be-coupled-up.html
Being single in a society that expects you to “couple up” and reproduce is an act of rebellion, whether you know it or not. People expect you to spend your 20s getting your act together so you can settle down and have children. But what if I told you that there’s nothing wrong with you for being single? What if I told you you don’t have to be in a relationship? What if I told you being single is the ultimate freedom and shouldn’t be taken for granted? What if I told you this was the time to build your life and build yourself into the ways YOU want? Given the situation you’re in, I think it’s completely fair for you to take care of yourself first, right now. What I mean by that is use this time to take care of yourself, and learn how to manage your disability/disabilities and the depression (if you haven’t already) so you can live a good life.
If you’re not in therapy yet, I strongly recommend it. If you’re in school still, see if your school offers counseling services. If you aren’t, see if your job has some sort of Employee Assistance Program. See if your parents’ insurance has something for you. Look online, do anything you can; you deserve to be happy and you deserve to find help.
These articles are not meant to just make you feel better; they really show the great parts of being single:
https://wheresmollie.com/2015/11/10-reasons-why-being-single-in-your-20s/
https://www.bustle.com/p/9-things-no-one-tells-you-about-being-single-in-your-20s-but-i-will-8641636
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/sick-being-single-forever-advice_l_5d153fc0e4b07f6ca57aaf27
A word of caution: Stay away from MGTOW, Red Pill, or other similar hangouts. These groups won’t help you improve; they’ll just drag you down with them. They love to find sad, lonely people to recruit into their ranks of misery because making other people feel miserable makes them feel better about themselves. These groups just like to blame society and the people around them for their own struggles instead of actually doing something about them. It’s easy to fall into the pit of self-loathing because it’s easier to feel sorry for ourself than it is to do something about our situation.
By that same token, try to avoid the trap of thinking a girlfriend will fix you. A girlfriend (or a partner in general) is not a pacifier. Some folks idealize relationships so heavily that they think dating will fix their problems or cure their illnesses. But the truth is, people do not need others to fix them; being in a relationship, a friendship, or just having a great support network means that you have people to lean on while you heal yourself. That’s what great partners do; they support you as you learn how to take better care of yourself. They help you along the way, but they don’t take care of you FOR you; they don’t solve all your problems or fix everything for you because they’re humans, not superheroes.
Dating apps are very hit-or-miss because they all attract different crowds (or in some cases, different flavors of people you would rather not date). Online relationships can be hard to cultivate because you don’t always know who is on the other side of the screen (much like dating apps). One of the articles I mentioned discusses dating apps and why so many of them are not good choices. People treat them like they’re shopping on Amazon; they forget that there’s a real person on the other end of the device. There’s that and the fact that most people aren’t honest about their intentions.
You still deserve to be loved and respected. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. By doing this, you show people that you won’t stick around if they treat you poorly, which weeds out people who never planned on being good to you in the first place. Living an authentic life means that you can build healthier connections with people who want to be around you and treat you well. You get there by taking good care of yourself and taking it one day at a time and one step at a time.
Too many people wind up stuck in unhappy relationships because they would rather be with the wrong person than be alone. However, it’s infinitely better to be alone and happy than be with someone and be unhappy. Most people think that being alone is worse than settling, but that’s false. People get complacent in stagnant relationships; they fear change, so they hang on for far longer than they should. Remember that pesky amatonormativity? That’s why most folks are in these situations. Really think about whether you want to be in a relationship in the first place because that will stop you from rushing into something or settling.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile
I’m glad you’re putting in the hard work here. Self-care isn’t easy for anyone, regardless of disabilities. Take it from someone who is a little older than you are; you have your whole life ahead of you and you have so much time to learn and grow and enjoy life. You can grow for your own sake; you can do things for yourself so you can be happy.
The difference is that you can still make your life better. It’s okay to be different. If it makes you feel any better, I’m usually the odd one out; I’m the one who doesn’t really feel like they fit in. So it sounds like you’re particularly isolated and I think that’s impacting you here. I agree with your assessment of dating apps; it’s hard to really know a person on there because you genuinely do not know who is behind the screen. People put up facades all the time on there because they don’t want to be rejected.
Meeting people organically is a great way to build meaningful connections of any sort. COVID is making that difficult, and I understand your disability also makes that harder. Are there any social media hobby groups you can join? Maybe you can find support groups about your disability? I know you said you aren’t going to school; are there any charities, organizations, volunteer groups, anything that you can do? Perhaps just getting a chance to help people will in turn help you.
I would say your best bet is to focus on being a good friend to yourself right now. You remind me of an episode of BoJack Horseman “Good Damage.” In this episode, Diane had a rough childhood and has been dealing with subsequent depression since then. She spends this episode trying so hard to write her memoir about her trauma and depression, but struggles because she can’t remember everything as clearly as she hoped she would. She feels that if she can’t put these experiences down on paper, then they are meaningless; she feels she needs to do something with this damage or else it’s just pointless.
https://www.themarysue.com/bojack-horseman-diane-nguyen-good-damage/
This link explains enough of the episode without talking too much about the other storylines going on in the show.
Your story reminds me a lot of this episode because you wonder what’s the point of going to therapy, learning from life experiences, etc. Perhaps you’re wondering why you have your disability or why you have to go through all these steps to manage it. I say the point is so you can cultivate a life that you’re happy with. You learn how to manage and navigate your disability so you can thrive instead of just surviving. It’s really for your sake. I’m not trying to take you onto the toxic positivity train here; I’m trying to keep you onboard the self-care train.
Are you familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? This is an organized way of looking at humans’ needs; it explains how it’s hard to meet more sophisticated and complex needs when the basic ones haven’t been met yet.
This article explains it nicely:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/our-hierarchy-needs
So what I’m seeing here is you might be trying to jump levels or are recognizing the ones you’re having trouble reaching. It sounds like you’re doing well at the lower levels, but having trouble with the higher ones. It looks like you’re getting levels 1 and 2 down, but struggling with 3 and 4. It’s hard to grow into your authentic self when you don’t feel respected or accepted.
I’m glad you’re taking the steps to build a better life for yourself. Remember that is a very valuable goal by itself; living a life that makes you happy is an act of courage in a world that wants to sell you artificial happiness.
You’re always welcome if you have any other questions.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile
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