Recently my friend got into a relationship with a girl who surprised all of us. This girl only dated women throughout the years and suddenly started dating my friend out of nowhere. He told us she is lesbian, but then she started dating him out of nowhere. The thing is, he has a stable job and just bought a house last year in the summer. I thought it was odd because she blew him off when he confessed to her eight years ago, then started dating this girl shortly after the confession. The ex was from out of state and went to live with her ex. I was told she did like my friend but didn't know how to go with it because she was going through a rough time, and the only one who reached out to her was her ex. I told him that is weird because if she did like you, she would have told you she wasn't ready to be in a relationship, but she ended up dating her ex, which didn't make sense to me. Then all of a sudden, she likes you. He also told me she told him if he wanted to know how she felt that day (the day he confessed to her), he had to ask her best friend about it, which didn't even make more sense to me because wouldn't it make more sense to hear from her directly than from someone else. Most of us are scared that she is using him for his benefits because he used to be in the military, and he's successful. He also told me he doesn't know whether she is pregnant or not recently because there has been a couple of times they had unprotected sex, and they have only been dating for two months. So, when he told me he was going to test whether she was pregnant or not, this made me think he is not ready to have a child despite him saying he was okay with it. I told him I understand it's his girlfriend but I don't know what he wants out of this relationship.
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You seem really concerned about your friend, and I think it's great that you care so much about him. To me, this is a sign of a good friend. You also seem confused by the actions of your friend’s new girlfriend, and that is completely okay. The Asking Jude team is always here to help you through the questions and concerns you may have.
First of all, keep in mind that sexuality is fluid. A person can come out multiple times in their life—for example, sometimes as lesbian and sometimes as bisexual. A lot of people feel pressure to only come out once in their lifetime because they feel other people might not understand. For example, a person who comes out as a lesbian feels they cannot come out again as a heterosexual because it will confuse others. Despite this, a person may change how they feel about what sexuality they identify with as the years go on. This means that your friend's girlfriend's sexuality might not just be limited to a lesbian identity. Here is more information on sexual fluidity: https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/sexual-fluidity-and-the-diversity-of-sexual-orientation-202203312717.
Have you been around his girlfriend much? Have you observed anything alarming? Does he seem certain about this relationship or unsure? How he talks about his relationship can let you know if there might be something off. If he is unsure about aspects of the relationship, then that might be cause for concern. Here are some things to look out for in an unhealthy relationship: https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/. If you do see some of these signs, take some time with your friend and talk to him about it. Let him know you are concerned. Be careful not to seem as if you are criticizing him—this can push him further away from you. It may make him feel attacked as well.
I understand that you really care about your friend, but besides looking out for unhealthy signs in their relationship and keeping communication open, there isn't much else you can do. I know this is easier said than done, but give your friend the freedom to make his own decisions. For example, you said they had unprotected sex a couple of times, but there is a chance your friend is okay with what happened. This may seem fast-paced to you, but to them, it might be just the right pace.
While this situation is complex, I don't think it's a lost cause either. Just be the great friend that you are and continue to show your love and kindness. And if you are unsure how to support him, the question “what can I do to help?” can go a long way.
Hang in there,
Andrea and Jude
Hi there, @Xia Eccles ! One of our peer counsellors, Andrea, will be answering this ask as well. Until then, stay strong!