A few months ago I dated this guy who turned out to be a complete liar. He told me he was only interested in me, while he was dating at least eight other girls (including his ex), he told me his ex was a crazy manipulator (he was playing her as well) and he even lied about having a brain tumor and having little time left to live. As soon as I found out about all of this, I cut off as much contact as I could from him and his ex and I became good friends, so we gave each other support especially right after finding out about his lies. I said "as much as I could" because we see each other on a daily basis: we go to the same school, we walk the same way to and from school and we both attend drama club. I already have a really hard time getting over people who I've been involved with, and seeing him so often just makes it even harder, especially because he constantly tries to get a rise out of me. He stares at me in a very noticeable way, he talks about me as if I weren't there, he makes snarky remarks and stalks me on social media.
All of this has made getting over him so difficult. I'm trying, but I always end up thinking about him and going through different scenarios. I think about all the things I would say to him if I weren't so concerned about giving him what he wants, which is contact with me, contact that I initiated. I've tried writing it all down, saying it out loud, talking about it with my friends, but it doesn't seem to help. I always end up thinking about him and it's so frustrating and I know that it's holding me back from seeing other people.
Is there something concrete I can do or should I trust that time will make things easier?
This is serious. This is someone who really needs to be stopped and to get some help. If this guy is a teenager or young adult and marathon-lying and -cheating like this, then I wonder what else he does with his life. That being said, he has hope to change, but you are absolutely under no obligation to engage with him at all.
You have the right idea here to stay away from him and not interact with him at all. Don’t you find it telling that this guy had eight other girls to talk to and yet still wants attention from you? He is like a child who tantrums over every minor inconvenience. In a way, you can pity him because he’s so desperate for attention that he’ll throw away every easy source of it to claw attention out of you. But that is all the mental energy that would be wise to spend on him; he desperately wants to live rent-free in your head.
If he is seriously obnoxious when you two are in the same room, and he is working very hard to make you uncomfortable in public settings (including the Internet), then recognize that he is making this public and that you are well within your rights to seek as much support as you need. He wants to embarrass you and cause a scene, then turn it around on you like you’re causing the scene. He wants to get attention from you in any way he can, so he acts nasty to you because it’s easier than seeking positive attention. He’s not over you, so he thinks you’re not allowed to be over him. He forgets that he lives in the real world with the rest of us; we are not just NPCs in his world.
I highly recommend getting the word out about what he’s doing because he is banking on making you feel angry, flustered, embarrassed, and ashamed. Talk to your teachers and guidance counselors. Most importantly, tell your parents. Your teachers can request he be transferred out of classes with you (or at least ensure you two never sit near each other) and can put the kibosh on him harassing you in class. Your guidance counselor can help you develop some more specific coping mechanisms for when you can’t avoid him, AND they can address him and his behavior seperately. Your parents can seriously help you advocate for yourself if any school staff refuse to take this seriously. Depending on your school’s policies, he might get his classes switched, or he might get suspended or sent to another school.
When I worked at my college, we had someone called a Title IX Coordinator who was in charge of workplace compliance. She was someone who ensured that students who stalked, harassed, or bullied other students would face consequences; she also ensured the same for staff members. If you are in the US, your school might also be under this law’s jurisdiction, so your school would have to do something to protect you from him. Even if it’s not considered sexual harassment, your school has an obligation to ensure you feel safe and secure while you’re there and while you’re attending school functions.
Regardless, this guy is desperate for attention and needs to stop harassing you. That is exactly what he is doing, and if he’s stalking you on social media (called cyberstalking), who’s to say his behavior won’t escalate? As long as you keep ignoring him, he will ramp up until he has what is called an extinction burst. This is when someone keeps doing a thing because it got them what they wanted originally, so they keep it up and ramp it up until they give up.
These short articles explain it a little better:
https://www.bhwcares.com/extinction/
https://www.nspt4kids.com/healthtopics-and-conditions-database/extinction-burst/
Since you mentioned he stalks you on social media, I have some links on how to stay safe in case his behavior escalates beyond that:
https://www.verywellmind.com/stalking-what-to-do-and-how-to-stay-safe-5119465
https://victimconnect.org/learn/types-of-crime/stalking/
https://www.svcc.edu/about/procedures/sexual-misconduct/stalking-risk-reduction.html
Lastly, this is a rabbit hole, but it might be something you might want to do if it helps you make sense of his behavior:
https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
That is a digital copy of a book about the thinking patterns of abusers called, Why Does He Do That? While the title specifies men, the author himself even says he examines the dynamics of same-sex couples and compares and contrasts them with straight couples. It might be a bit much to read at times, but if you have the spoons for it, you might find the research helpful for making sense of his behavior and keeping yourself safe simultaneously.
In that same vein, you can read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It’s a book about the science of fear and the value of it. Again, only give it a try if you have the energy for it.
Please remember that you absolutely do not deserve to be harassed and stalked by your ex like this. No one has the right to treat you this way! Please do your best to keep yourself safe, and remember that you have every right to feel safe and to ask for help.
We’ll be here if you have any other questions.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile
Hello there, @chat <3 ! One of our peer counsellors, Angelica, will be answering your ask in the next day or so. If you need it answered sooner, simply respond to this thread. Until then, stay strong!