Its a bit of a long story, but bear with me.
Basically I grew up in a family where family tradition and stories and inherited items and recepies have always been very important. I've been raised to have a closed bond with my family both past and present, and to value our family and its history.
The only problem is I know next to nothing of my maternal grandfathers past and family and have a hard time delaing with the juxtaposition. Clearly, his personal lifee has been chambles. My mother is youngest of five. He had little contact with the other four in my mother's childhood, and only slightly more as they all got older. At his funeral it was revealed his oldest three children never knew about his other daughter, after my mother accidentally told them that "their other sister sends her condolensces" when she didn't make it to the funeral.
Anyhow, the few stories from my grandfathers past I've heard are sad. He was a wild child & broke both his feet among other things. He was placed with another family for a few years when his family couldn't afford an apartment big enough. He had a little sister but clearly never had any contact with her in his later years as my mother said that "she didn't have the energy to make a hassle for someone she didn't know" regarding attending her funeral (whether my grandfather attended I never knew).
What really has been the kicker that got me in a tailspin is I work in a hospital. And while looking for a patient in the patient lists, I stumbled across another patient with my grandfather's last name. His family choose the name themselves and as far as I know she has to be related to my grandfather. Of course I didn't open her file or anything, just saw the name, but it really bothers me. There's all these people out there who are some typ eof family that I don't know and I don't know why I don't know. If I at least understood what happened between my grandfather and his family I'd have answers. It goes against everything I've been taught about family and I just feel this horrible feeling of...upset, longing, want, curiousity...I don't know what to do with it.
Hello there,
I am sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. Oftentimes, the previous generation wants the next to be better. For example, the importance of family has been instilled in you. Perhaps it was not as important generations ago. I understand that you want to get to know your other relatives, and it is difficult for you to accept these unknowns.
Unfortunately, tragic events like a funeral have a way of uncovering things. A way you can find out about other relatives is doing a DNA test. There are websites like 23-and=Me (https://www.23andme.com) where you can send in your DNA and get connected with other relatives you may not be aware of. The only thing is if other relatives have not sent in their DNA, you cannot know about them.
I think talking to your mother about how you are feeling may help you. Here are some tips on how to have an important conversation with family: https://health.umms.org/2020/10/05/difficult-conversations-with-family/. One tip that I feel is important is setting aside time for this conversation. Make sure you and your mother (and anyone else you want to include) has time to have a comprehensive conversation—no interruptions or rushing off to go do other things.
It is important to be positive, but keep in mind that you may not get the answers you are searching for. I understand that this secrecy is not the way you were brought up, and it can be upsetting, but not everyone in your family is going to feel the way you do about this situation. Sometimes, when you’ve done all you can do, the best thing to do is accept things as they are. Here are some tips on accepting situations you may not be necessarily okay with: https://www.thevillagefamily.org/blog/accepting-reality-when-you-know-you-cant-change-it.
You may not know the truth, or you may not find out something you wanted to know. It could be a little of both. Either way, take it one step at a time, and keep communication open.
Hang in there,
Andrea
Hi, @Gina ! Thank you so much for coming to Asking Jude. One of our peer counsellors, Andrea, will be answering you today. I appreciate your patience! Until then, stay strong!