Hello! I feel so weird because when I think about it I realize it is actually simple and kinda funny.
First, English is not my first language sorry for my mistakes.
My friends also say that I exaggerate and behave dramatically, I’m confused because I want to learn the truth. Is it something about my culture and are my thoughts really weird?
Me and my mom have very different hobbies, my mom never understand that I spend money on my hobbies, and she thinks this is wrong and to her I shouldn't do that.
I always feel it’s wrong, because she always says ‘’this is not neccessary, you can buy something nicer,’’ but I don’t want to ‘nicer things’ I want buy books & painting materials... I didn’t apply to the university department I wanted because my parents thought it was ridiculous. So I finished universty and I continued doing what I really wanted as a hobby.
My friends & my mom said ‘Oh there are too many boks on the internet, you act like an idiot. You can’t earn money your painting, nobody buys.'' I don't do it to make money anyway, I do because all this is my personality. Everybody said to me ‘the time I spent my hobbies is a waste.’
I have been unemployed for a long time, sometimes I work part time jobs. But it's impossible to get a job because of the coronavirus that's why. I can barely earn 100 dollar a month. Sometimes a little more…
She wants me to buy things that I will use when I get married. We call it dowry. I don’t want to buy my dowry at all. And I don't want to get married either. But my mom and my dad think it is time to marriage. I’m just 22! My boyfriend says ‘you must marry me because you are so unhappy your parents house and I will make you happier.’
I don’t want to my boyfriend makes me happy, I want to have my own happiness, not someone else. And than I want to share my happiness. Is that wrong? Do I think wrong?
And my mom & my friends, again, think ‘I’m ungreatful for my familiy.’ ‘I’m ungreatful for life.’
I don’t want to get marry my boyfriend, he proposed me but I couldn’t say ‘yes’ and he shook his head and asked me to think a little. I wanted to say no. I couldn’t. And now, everybody expects me to say yes. Because I’m unhappy my parents house and all my friends and family act like everything will be alright if I get married.
Yes I can't go on with my family anymore but does that mean I have to get married? I don't feel like I'm in love with my boyfriend. Does that make me a terrible person? If I say no, will I accept all the bad things that will happen to me? It seems impossible to fix me with my mom, but I don't want to lose her. I want my mother to love me like this, I don't want her to push me towards marriage.
I don't think my boyfriend loves me either. I think we just got used to each other and the right thing seems to be marriage. But it is not. My boyfriend says that I can have time and money for my hobbies without having to go to work. But I want to earn my own money and I want to spend time comfortably for my hobbies.
I don't know what to say to whom anymore. I don't know what can I do. My parents definitely don't want me to marry by force. Everything is my choice but is there anything right? I just want to be able to do what I want and be happy in my own life. Do I have to give up something? I never want to stop drawing and reading books, but should I do it if necessary?Can I find another solution? How can I explain myself to people?
What I said may be simple and funny, but I really don't know what to do anymore. I hope I could explain myself, my English isn't very good, I apologize if there's anything wrong.
Thank you so much.
Hi friend,
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude for advice. I’m sorry to hear that you are having a hard time deciding what you want to pursue in terms of your future. I want to clarify that there is no right or easy answer for this. I know that on one hand, your family and culture have huge influences on your decisions. On the other hand, your own passions conflict with those that your family want from you. Although these choices are ultimately yours to make, I recommend making decisions that would bring you the most happiness. Keep in mind that disagreeing with your family’s values does not make you a terrible person; you are allowed to live by your own decisions.
For instance, buying items like books and art materials makes you happy, and that is not something to feel shameful about. The fact that these purchases bring you genuine joy means that buying them should not be seen as a waste. You are allowed to indulge in these types of materials, and not every bit of your money has to go towards funding your future (such as your dowry). Thus, I encourage you not to deprive yourself of books and painting supplies when you can afford them. You deserve to reward yourself.
As for getting married, I know you acknowledge that it is a huge decision to make. Thus, I do not want you to feel pressure to commit to your boyfriend (or anyone, for that matter) if you do not wish to do so. Spending the rest of your life with someone is a big commitment, which is why you may want to heavily consider your options beforehand. If it helps, here is someone’s story about how she ended her marriage, despite facing pressure from her family: https://www.womensweb.in/2020/08/arranged-marriage-when-i-did-not-want-to-get-married-july20wk5sr/.
Remind yourself that making choices based on what makes you happy is not selfish and does not make you ungrateful. At the end of the day, you will be the one to live with whichever path you choose. Thus, I encourage you not to neglect choices that you believe are better for you. Here is a link to helping you make your own choices (https://www.bustle.com/articles/132419-how-to-make-better-decisions-in-your-life-with-6-helpful-tips) and here is one with tips on how you can use your values to construct your own decisions (https://www.vantageleadership.com/our-blog/identify-your-values-use-them-to-make-decisions/). If you still want to make your family happy (which is okay, especially considering your cultural influences), ask yourself how much of your decisions you are willing to sacrifice for them.
You may also want to refer to these articles on communicating effectively, which can offer advice on how you can talk with your parents about each other’s differences:
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/effective-communication.htm
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-connected-life/201706/five-keys-good-communication-during-conflict%3famp
Sending you love and support,
Helen