Hello there,
I been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost 7 years now. It’s almost been 2 1/2 years that I haven’t seen her. We hardly talk on the phone which consists only “good mornings and goodnight or I’ll be going to work” because she’s busy due to the time difference since she lives abroad. On her weekends she said she rather relax and not have time to think about anything since it’s her only days off from work. So, I don’t bother her because of that but there are times I would call her randomly on her days off just to talk to her but she’ll say she has nothing to talk about. Most of the time I would be the one calling her than her calling me. When she does call me it’s usually when she needs something from me like how should she said this sentence in English or to vent about something. At times, I feel like I’m single because of this situation, I also feel if I were to bring this up it quickly turns into an argument. The last time we spoke, I made her cry because I wanna to see her on facetime since we haven’t seen each other for 4 months. She tells me she loves me but sometimes I feel like she doesn’t because she hardly messages which has been going on for the past years. Every time I want to bring up about our current situation, she tells me to not think like that or why am I thinking this way. She was supposed to come and visit me in the winter but kept debating whether to come or not. I told her the plane tickets would be more expensive if she were to buy it at the last minute. So, she chose not to come but next year instead. She tells me she doesn’t have money but goes out a lot with her friends and co-workers because of that it makes me doubt this relationship a lot. I do talk to her about my insecurities but she tells me to not worry and to not think like that but I can’t help but wonder all the time. What should I do?
Hello there,
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. As someone who is also in a long-distance relationship, I know how difficult it can be at times. It is hard when you can’t see your partner. That can add stress in a relationship that most couples do not have to go through. Something I’ve learned over the years is how important efficient communication is. It is not enough to simply communicate—you have to communicate effectively. It sounds like you do not feel like your girlfriend is making space for you in her life. Here are some tips on how to communicate that effectively: https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-easy-ways-to-communicate-better-in-your-relationships/. I think that setting aside time to talk can set the tone for an important conversation like this. I would do this by saying something like, “I know you’re busy, but I need to talk to you about something important.” After that, ask when she is free to talk.
When in a long-distance relationship, sometimes, you can feel alone. I find this to be true, especially if you are waiting for your partner to call. My advice is not to wait. Find your own interests. It is important for anyone—even people who are not in long-distance relationships—to spend time with themselves. Time alone is important, but spending time together is too. I know that there is a time-difference, but perhaps you can set aside certain times to watch a movie together, play games, or just simply talk. Here are some tips on maintaining a long-distance relationship: https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/21-best-tips-making-long-distance-relationship-work.html.
Asking questions is a great way to keep the conversation flowing. You said that your girlfriend cried when you asked her to FaceTime. Did she explain why? What about this made her uncomfortable or upset? It is important for you to hear how she is feeling, but it is just as important for her to hear how you are feeling and why. Her telling you not to worry sounds nice, but it is not reassuring you when her actions do not match. I know that arguing is stressful, but sometimes, you have to say what’s on your mind. Keeping this peace isn’t worth it if you are unhappy. Here are some tips on how to communicate without arguing: https://www.thecouplescenter.org/how-to-turn-arguments-into-conversations/. Be prepared—you may be the only one trying to avoid an argument. That doesn’t make this any less important. When having this conversation, tell her, “I’d like to talk first. I need you to listen right now.” That way, you have communicated your needs clearly.
Good luck!
Andrea
Hello there, @Xia Eccles ! Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. Our peer counsellor, Andrea, will get back to you soon. Until then, stay strong!