To start, a bit of backstory: I grew up with a mentally ill brother who's needs were placed above my own to keep him happy/calm. And also my stepfather was abusive to everyone in the family, especially towards my mother. I was one of those golden children who put everyones needs before my own. And now I am setting boundaries and becoming independent, but my mom calls it being selfish and cruel.
As a young adult, we had a close relationship. I didn't have any friends because my lack of social skills, and she has always needed someone to lean on. Especially during/after her divorce of my stepdad when I was a teen. I'm pretty sure she is codependent. When I was in my twenties, everytime I brought up the idea about finding my own place to live since I had a stable job, she would start crying about being alone and everything, and our relgion taught that children should be obident to their parents, and since I had no Significant Other, I was guilted into staying.
This created a lot of resentment. Added on top of my whole childhood trauma, except now I felt my mothers wants/needs were placed above mine. She is jealous I have friends, gets upset when I spend time with my friends, and wants me to spend more time with her. She gets mad when she feels like my friends don't like her. (And, to be honest, they all think she's rather manipulative and have been a help for me to be more independent)
I have finally moved out at 34. But here comes the complicated bit. My mother is now disabled. When I was younger, I told her I would take care of her. But now that I am older, have my own home, have friends, have ambitions in life, I don't want to do that anymore. She says I am being selfish and narcissistic because I told her I am not responsible for her or my grandma. I want to help them, to visit since we live in the same town, and help when needed, but not in the ways she wants.
Case in point: she's been in the hospital for over a week now. I've been down there everyday for a little bit, but tonight I had plans with my friends for supper. She was very upset I placed them before her, insisting the nurses were mean and cruel to her, and even said 'are you going to put me through that abuse again'. I told her there is nothing I could do, (and every time I am there when she says the nurses are mean, they have been wonderful, and I know my mom has anxiety/paranoia)
Anyways, I guess I am looking for reassurement that I am not in the wrong for telling her I am not responsible for her, that while I love her, and I want to have a mother-daughter relationship, I don't have the emotional energy to be her catetaker after decades feeling like I am responsible for everyone's wellbeing in our family.
Hey there,
I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this situation—especially after going through so much already. I am so proud of you for putting yourself first and setting and enforcing boundaries. This can be exceedingly difficult, especially when you have grown accustomed to putting others' needs before your own.But don’t stop fighting for you!
It’s also a vital and wonderful thing to have a group of friends that love you and provide reassurance that you are moving in the right direction. Here is some information about codependency and how to step away from it: https://mantracare.org/therapy/relationship/how-to-overcome-codependency/. It sounds like you are doing an exceptional job in setting boundaries, taking care of yourself. and finding support.
You are not wrong for wanting an independent life of your own. You’re right—you aren’t responsible for your mom or grandma. Like you said, you are going to help when needed, but you aren’t going to be taken advantage of either. It is a great idea to continue setting and enforcing those boundaries like you have been doing.
You don’t have to tell your mom what you’re doing if you don’t want to either. You are an adult, and you don’t owe her an explanation of your whereabouts. If you want to share that, that’s different. Here are some tips on how to enforce boundaries: https://ifstudies.org/blog/seven-tips-for-setting-boundaries-in-unhealthy-relationships.
Remind your mom that you are only going to dinner—not abandoning her. Though she may feel abandoned, let her know those aren’t your intentions. You going out with friends doesn’t mean you love your mother any less, and it is important to have a healthy balance between family and friends. Having this sort of balance can even enrich your relationship with your mother even more!
Something that may help you is to take a pause. You don’t have to respond to anyone right away. You can take your time to process the situation or what was just said. Here are some tips on navigating manipulation tactics from family: https://www.cumberlandheights.org/blogs/manipulative-people/. One tip says “observe, not absorb.” It can be helpful to listen to what is being said, but you don’t have to let it hurt or control you.
Keep doing what’s best for you, and live your life knowing you are going in the right direction.
Andrea
And just so you know: Asking Jude offers remote, pay-what-you-can peer counselling via video/audio call and/or text messaging as well! If you'd like to work with someone outside of traditional therapy on the topic above or anything else, this could be a great option. If you're interested, reach out to us at jude@askingjude.org.
But, of course, we always respond to submissions for free, and this submission is no different! Thanks!
Hi, @Betty ball ! Thanks for reaching out! One of our peer counsellors, Andrea, will get back to you shortly. Until then, stay strong for us!
Hey, betty ball, based on what I read, based on all of the experiences I've gone through (my family history has some similar features to your family history), please work with any of the Peer Counselors because I can tell that you need help. I hope your brother is o.k. Your mom needs help, also. Is there anyone in the hospital that she can talk to? I'm currently in quite a situation. My situation has to do with my brother. Both of my parents have passed...