Eyy just stumbled across this blog
Im kind of really having a hard time right now and it’s doing a number on me since it’s pretty much entirely my own fault that situation happened Im in a relationship and love and care for my boyfriend dearly, yet I’m also in love with my best friend. And I know I’ll be judged harshly for that, rightfully so… but I really just need advice on what to do.
We were friends for years and there were no romantic undertones. But we’ve been sent on a four month work trip abroad together a few months ago. I didn’t see my bf that whole time, I didn’t know anyone but my best friend where we were and we pretty much saw eachother every single day. In the end we came too close and eventually both admitted we had developed feelings.
Though the story doesn’t end there unfortunately. He wants to be a priest and ultimately decided even if I left my partner there couldn’t be more between us. I was kind of relieved he made that decision for me because I genuinely love both and having to choose one over the other would’ve been extremely hurtful. Even though we decided it shouldn’t lead anywhere we ultimately became intimate and that’s where the problems really started. Obviously we both felt extremely guilty about it, it was a back and forth for a while, changing initiator basically on a daily basis breaking our word over and over again.
Now recently we had a big fight over the whole situation. I told him I didn’t want the back and forth anymore but he insisted he wanted to stay friends, just without the intimacy. He said that multiple times before though and then still initiated it again, though sometimes it was me too. I lashed out and told him right, either we commit to being shit people and continue being intimate (he’ll be gone in a year anyways to start his novitiate) or we just don’t meet anymore at all, since it’s been proven time and time again if we do see each other we can’t let it be (though that’s not really an option since we work together, on the same project even so really not seeing each other would require me to quit my job)…
It basically continued to escalate like that, him accusing me of making him choose between me and god and me accusing him of using me when he’s horny but seeing me only as an evil temptation instead of a friend, being a hypocrite and twisting his morals and beliefs to his needs. In the end he said he doesn’t want that discussion anymore and if I don’t want to be friends anymore so be it, I said that’s not what I wanted but what are we supposed to do if we can’t keep it from happening…
I wrote him a message the next day apologizing for the ultimatum and agreeing that one doesn’t learn self control by just avoiding challenging situations and that I’d be okay to try again and call each other out when one tries to initiate.
He wasn’t having it though and told me he doesn’t have time for that shit anymore… we’ll see each other again at work in a few days and haven’t talked since the fight.
I feel like I’m the most horribly disgusting person on the planet. I hurt my friend who was there in the most difficult times for me. I betrayed my boyfriend who is the most loving and caring partner I could think of. All because I’m an impulsive slut. I don’t know what to do, I’m haunted by nightmares. I thought about telling my boyfriend the whole thing but I can’t even imagine how much it would hurt him. Im in a spiral of self hatred thinking it would probably be best for all of I just fucked off to nowhere or killed myself. So yea any input would be greatly appreciated :(
Hey there,
I appreciate you taking the time to share your story with us. I want to say that I understand how hard this must be for you to deal with. Romantic feelings are tricky and intense, especially when they develop unexpectedly. It’s understandable that your conflicting romantic feelings are causing you so much stress. It’s not unusual for people to go through something like this, especially when put in very vulnerable and intimate situations with other people.
Before I dive into your ask, I just want to say that if you're have any thoughts of suicide. Please, call your country's suicide hot-line or simply the emergency services. Here's a list of suicide hot-lines for every country: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/.
I see that you’re struggling with feelings of guilt and shame, so before anything, I want to let you know that you don’t have to feel like these thoughts are your fault; it’s not always easy to control our attraction for other people. I also want to tell you that you are not a “disgusting person” or an “impulsive slut." You made a mistake, but that doesn't define who you are as a person. It’s possible to learn from these mistakes and make amends with the people you may feel you’ve wronged.
The first steps in doing this are to acknowledge what has happened and take accountability for the role you played. Being truthful and honest with yourself is crucial in moving forward and finding a resolution that works for you. It's not easy to admit when we've made a mistake, but it's an important step toward making things right.
If you’re interested, this article and video may help you work on taking accountability in any situation: https://tinyurl.com/mu77bfxx.
Taking responsibility for your actions and communicating openly about how your intentions were never meant to hurt anyone can help to rebuild trust and repair any damage done. Regarding your boyfriend, telling him about what happened is ultimately up to you. You may be feeling like telling your boyfriend will just hurt him and only cause more pain for the two of you. I want to let you know that while we can’t predict how he’ll respond, being honest with your partner shows him that you are willing to be accountable for your mistakes.
You mentioned that you enjoy being in this relationship, so I would urge you to first consider whether or not you want this relationship to continue. Spend some time alone and think about what you want in a relationship. Can you imagine a future with your boyfriend that you would be happy with regardless of the decision you make about telling him? Do you think not telling him is fair to him? Weigh the potential consequences and decide what is best for you and your relationship.
It's natural to feel lost and unsure of what to do next. These articles are meant to offer some help to those in situations like yours: https://tinyurl.com/bdv3yykt; https://tinyurl.com/5brvc82c.
If you do decide to tell your boyfriend, it is important to be honest and direct. Choose a time and place where you can have an honest and private conversation. Be prepared for his reaction, and give him space to process his feelings. Try not to anticipate his response as this will only cause you more stress and may make you want to procrastinate telling him even more. Telling him may allow you to move forward with the relationship, but most importantly, you’ll gain a lot more peace of mind.
Communication is a key aspect of any healthy relationship, but it's not always easy to do effectively. If you find yourself needing help with communicating, these articles may provide you with some guidance: https://tinyurl.com/bded43sp; https://tinyurl.com/4us49v8r.
As for you and your friend, it definitely sounds like a very difficult situation that you both have found yourselves in. It's understandable that you have developed feelings for each other after spending so much time together, but it's important to consider the impact of continuing any type of relationship with him. It sounds like he has made his decision about his path in life, and it's important to respect that aspect of this situation.
It’s great that you’re seeing a silver lining in his religious journey of “making the decision," but remember that you always have a choice about what you want and need in your own life and relationships. He seems to be responding to your attempts to communicate in a way that comes off as dismissive and mean. Most likely, he is just as conflicted by this situation as you are, but you deserve a friend who can communicate with you respectfully and compassionately. While it's natural for emotions to run high in a situation like this, it's not okay for him to treat you in a way that makes you feel so guilty. Know that the responsibility falls equally on him, as well, and you deserve someone who can work through this with you. Consider whether or not this is someone worth maintaining a relationship with. If you decide to maintain the friendship, consider having a conversation with him about how his behavior has made you feel and setting boundaries for how you want to be treated.
This article provides useful signs to consider when deciding whether to be friends with someone you’ve been in a romantic relationship with: https://tinyurl.com/2p8dydbm.
This post also offers some very important signs it may be time to end a relationship/friendship with someone: https://socialself.com/blog/when-stop-being-friends/.
I can only imagine how you must feel to have to work with your friend. I understand that quitting your job may not be an option for you. In this case, you may need to find ways to cope with the situation at work and maintain professional boundaries with him. This could involve minimizing your interactions with him outside of your project and being clear about your expectations for how you want to be treated in the workplace. Do you two work on this project alone or are there other colleagues involved? Reaching out to other coworkers and collaborating with them on the project could help to limit your interactions with him. Do you know when exactly in his future he’d like to start his new career path? If this is something you don’t think you can handle, it may be helpful to review your job’s policies and HR resources if you are feeling uncomfortable in any way. Remember to prioritize your own well-being and emotional health in this situation.
Dealing with such a complex situation can be hard, especially in the workplace. Fortunately, there are resources to help navigate through these situations. These articles offer strategies for dealing with difficult emotions and personal relationships at work: https://tinyurl.com/5n6t75mr; https://www.mindtools.com/amqbd0e/managing-your-emotions-at-work
If you can, try seeking support from a trusted friend or counselor, as well. This can help to process your feelings about this situation and develop coping strategies. If this is something you’d be interested in, these are great resources for finding therapists in your area: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/couples-counseling; https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html. Don’t forget we’re always here to help, as well; if you ever need more help, don’t hesitate to reach out again! Asking Jude also provides pay-what-you-want, remote peer counseling; to find out more, e-mail jude@askingjude.org.
I hope I was able to help you out a little more. Always be kind to yourself and remember to take your time before making any important decisions.
Take care of yourself,
Mikayla