I'm really struggling dealing with my partner buying our first home by himself. Our plan was always to buy one day but I haven't had steady employment so I just assumed we'd rent until I was working full time and could co-sign a loan with him. But since he's been blessed with job security, he thought it would be better to buy a place instead. We picked it out together and everything, and I pay halves on all the bills and rates, but he insists on paying the mortgage himself because it's easier. He says I should save because he can afford it and what's mine is his. I know he's trying to be sweet but it makes me feel shit. Even if he doesn't want half of the monthly fee, I want to contribute SOMETHING you know? (other than my share of the bills). I feel like he's my landlord. Like I'm getting permission to stay there. I just hate that we didn't buy it together. Especially because I'm constantly reminded of it. Both our parents call it HIS home. He of course calls it ours and treats it as if it's ours, but just when I think I'm okay with it, I get reminded again that he bought it. Idk, it's tough. I mean even most of the furniture is mine or I bought it to make it my contribution but everyone still calls it his place :( The first appliance I bought myself when we moved in was a proper expensive coffee machine because I'm a huge coffee drinker and his dad said it was nice of him to buy it for me. I just don't know how to come to terms with it. This should be an exciting time for us and instead it's a cause of stress
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I’m sorry you’re being made to feel less than by members of your family. No matter what the circumstances are surrounding that house, there’s no need for them to rub it in your face, especially if they know that you’re bothered by it.
I highly suggest sitting down with both sets of parents to tell them how you’re feeling. Let them know that you don’t appreciate them assuming that your boyfriend is the only one contributing. Despite your boyfriend paying the mortgage, it is your home as well. You’re living in it, taking care of it, and participating in what you can afford, so that should be more than enough proof that it belongs to you and your boyfriend.
It sounds like your boyfriend is trying his best to make you feel comfortable about the new house, which is great, but let him know what’s stirring inside your heart as well. If you become too stressed, this might cause bitterness or resentment in your relationship, possibly pulling you apart. We don’t want that. Give yourself the chance to explain to him that between your parents constantly pointing out that it’s his home, and the fact that you’re not able to afford as much as he is toward the house, you feel like a tenant or roommate more than a significant other. Try to come to some sort of agreement that is doable for you both.
I know you want to pay the same amount of money that your boyfriend does on the house but know that money isn’t the only way to contribute to a home. So many couples have separate incomes that vary in size. One spouse’s paycheck could pay for the mortgage and insurance, while the other focuses on groceries, gas, and savings. Think of couples who have one income because someone is a stay-at-home parent. Regardless, the home belongs to them both.
Find ways to contribute that don’t cost more than you’re able to afford, such as decorating the walls with pictures, creating an organization system for the kitchen, or buying a bunch of throw pillows. Houses are like canvases. There are so many ways to paint them. The only limit is your imagination.
Here are a couple of articles to give you more ideas:
Make your house your home--and remind your family of that too!