I’m doing anon bc my friends have my tumblr and I don’t want them to know this, haha. I’m afraid of my sister. She’s only two years younger then me, but she’s so terrifying. She can easily twist anything to get me in trouble with my parents(she doesn’t much anymore, but that was what she did when we were little), and I feel like she’s threatening to me physically and mentally? Today she was particularly upset and she was yelling at me and my older sister. Just a few minutes ago, she took my cellphone charger and would not give it back after I asked her politely multiple times. She got angry and went in her desk, took her own, broken, charger, and threw it at me(with the cube thingy on it). I managed to step out of the way, but then she started yelling and moving towards me aggressively so I ran out of our bedroom and I’m currently hiding. I don’t know how to deal with this, I’m going to be stuck with her for another three years at least, and so far it’s given me generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and PTSD from one specific occasion. My parents say that all siblings fight, but I KNOW this isn’t normal. It’s only gotten worse since my mom moved out. I want to run away everyday but I don’t have the courage. I haven’t told anyone about this because I’m already perceived as the weak child and the disappointment(my little sisters words). I don’t want to be ridiculed for being afraid of her. I don’t know what to do. I just want it all to stop.
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As I read this, my first thought was, “Where are the adults?” They should be stepping in and stopping all of this; it never should have escalated into this kind of a situation. I am so sorry you feel frightened of your sister and that your home is not a safe place to be. Her behavior goes beyond the realm of siblings fighting; she’s really hurting you!
Has your sister always been so violent and mean to you? To classmates? To other family members? I question how her outbursts started and why they are still continuing because she’s not a toddler anymore, and tantrums should stop in the early grades (ex. around kindergarten). She sounds like she’s in middle school, which means your parents need to nip her behavior in the bud. While I am not asking you to psychoanalyze your sister, I think being able to better understand her behavior (and possibly identifying some causes or contributing factors) will help you better deal with her and keep yourself safe.
Do you often feel you need to walk on eggshells around her? Did you two get along at all at any point? What is the dynamic like between her and your dad? Her and your mom? Do either of them tend to give into her whenever she starts complaining or whining? Do they keep putting the responsibility on you and your older sister to “be the bigger person”? If they enable her bad behavior and just expect you two to deal with it, they’re fostering an unhealthy dynamic amongst the three of you. I understand that mom isn’t living with you all now, and I can’t help but wonder if that is part of why sis acts out so much.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201811/social-cruelty-in-middle-school
Are you familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? This is a chart of all the different needs that humans have and the importance of each one. Maslow was a psychologist who theorized that humans are very rich, complex creatures and thus have a rich array of needs. Some MUST be met before others can be. The reason why I mentioned this is that shelter and safety are two of the most important needs that people have. Your sister is threatening both of these with her outbursts and her manipulation of your parents.
In addition to the sense of safety, your sister is also damaging your relationships with your parents, which interferes with another essential need for people- especially young folk. In other words, she is interfering with your ability to form or maintain healthy attachments to your parents because she is working to undermine the trust between you and your parents.
This article explains each level of the hierarchy: https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html
What sis is doing is she’s actively disrupting levels 2 and 3 for you, which is going to make it harder for you to feel safe and secure and believed in while being in your own home.
Definitely talk to your parents if you can. I understand you said mom had moved out, but can you talk to her privately? Can you go see her and maybe go to lunch or spend time at her house together? I really think getting out of the toxic household and spending time with a trusted adult is going to make a difference because you are reducing the time spent in a triggering environment and with a person who does things that trigger you.
Do you live with dad? Or other relatives? Whoever you live with needs to put a stop to this ASAP because it’s unhealthy to live in such stress and fear. You can take them aside while sis isn’t home or talk to them outside (such as over a meal or while running errands together). As long as the two of you can have a private and uninterrupted conversation, that should help you explain everything. If you are looking for starting points, tell them that you do not feel safe at home anymore and that it’s because of your little sis. Tell them the most recent thing she did, and tell them it’s not the first time she’s done something violent like that. It’s a pattern, and you are tired of feeling scared and unsafe in your own home and that it’s NOT just “siblings fighting.” Despite your best efforts to de-escalate situations, her bad behavior persists. While it’s great to see you trying to work things out with her, this is too big a problem for you to solve alone.
It may also help to try identifying your triggers for PTSD and the different forms of anxiety. Knowing what they are and what effects they have on you will help you become more self-aware and thus more able to take action to keep yourself safe. Have you received an official diagnosis of PTSD or any of the anxiety disorders you mentioned? If not, that would be a great thing to do because you can meet with a professional who can help you manage your triggers and (metaphorically) light a fire under your parents’ rear ends to stop sis’ bad behavior.
I have a few resources to learn more about PTSD here:
https://dualdiagnosis.org/mental-health-and-addiction/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-and-addiction/how-trauma-affects-the-human-body/
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/coping-with-emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk is a great resource for people looking to understand more of the science behind PTSD and trauma in general.
None of this is to blame or shame you or for me to waggle my finger at you and bark orders at you; it is all to help you understand the importance of protecting yourself from toxic people as best as you can and to emphasize that the adults in your life should be stepping up and protecting you.
You may want to share this article with your parents: https://www.verywellfamily.com/what-to-do-when-kids-fight-5116696
Perhaps this will serve as a wake-up call for them to put a stop to sis’ behavior.
If your folks won’t stand up to her, then feel free to call in other supportive adults. Perhaps speaking with a trusted teacher or your school guidance counselor or social worker will get you some resources and ways to better address this situation with your parents. They can make recommendations for programs for you or your family.
That being said, I do want to assuage any potential fears that the above will call up Child Protection Services (CPS) and that it’ll tear your family apart. The adults listed above are mandatory reporters, but they will only reach out if they suspect you are in danger of abuse or are actively being abused or neglected. CPS is not the first port of call; the aforementioned adults will try to communicate with you and your family, point you to programs or resources, etc. If they do need to reach out to CPS, it is because they have reason to suspect you are in danger, and they want it on CPS’ record to facilitate keeping you and your family safe. They do not want to separate you or any family unless absolutely necessary.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile