Hey Jude,
How do I comfort someone who feels like disappearing, who feels like that they should just be gone, feel like just... dying? I have a hard time comforting them since I feel the same way.
When they say, "I wish I'd just disappear already," I would sometimes say, "Same." because that's how I also feel but I do not forget to try to comfort them by saying that, "I'm here. You can talk to me if everything feels heavy. You're not a bother, so you should not limit if you can't bear it yourself." Something along those lines.
Recently, they called me out for always saying "same" whenever they tell me that they'd like to disappear. That's why they mentioned that they will 'limit ranting' to me because maybe something bad will happen to me and because they don't like ME saying that we feel the same.
I told them that it's okay not to limit and just ask me (whether I have an available headspace or not) whenever they feel like ranting. They DECLINED, leaving me to interpret that they're just feeling a burden all over again and that I am a jerk for expressing that I too would like to disappear???
I told them I also get sad when they say that they'd like to disappear and that I don't know more ways to comfort them (other than being there for them). They left me on read and I asked if they are mad. They just dodged the question. I feel that this is toxic and I want to know what more could I do?
Thank you for the time to read. I will entertain more questions if necessary and I will be waiting for your response [;
I think what’s happening is that you have a lot of empathy and compassion but are struggling with conveying it because this is a delicate situation. I also think you might be burning yourself out to reassure and support this person, which, while noble, is not good for your health. This situation is honestly above your pay grade.
To elaborate, what I am seeing is that you care very much about this person, and you relate very strongly to their feelings but feel powerless to do anything about it. It also sounds like you feel you’re inadvertently making things worse. That connection to their feelings is the empathy, and the desire to alleviate their suffering is the compassion.
I think once we analyze empathy and compassion some more, you’ll be in better shape to figure out the next steps. Here are a couple of articles that break them both down:
https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/compassion-vs-empathy/
https://www.confidentcommunicator.com/e/BAh7BjoWZW1haWxfZGVsaXZlcnlfaWRsKwduvaGT--96ef3d5ac006853851c780a7c991d2039135b488?skip_click_tracking=true
In summary, empathy is a step down from compassion. It is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, recognizing someone else’s feelings and the reasoning behind them, and validation of a current situation. It requires us to be present and listen.
By that same token, compassion is a step up from empathy. It is active and comes after empathy because it means that you care enough to DO something. It is the most active method of care.
I see that you have empathy down-pat because you connect so strongly to this person and their situation; while that’s valuable in and of itself, your friend is in turn worried about you. They seem like they want to respect your boundaries and do not want to drain you of your energy. Having a friend who is struggling but still maintains a healthy amount of self-awareness is a big deal because it means that they still have the energy and desire to care about their friends. In fact, your friend is trying to prevent an unhealthy dynamic known as codependency from forming between you two. This is what happens when people come to depend too much on each other in some way, usually in an unbalanced giver-and-taker arrangement.
I recommend this article to learn more about codependency:
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-codependency-5072124
Your friend is looking out for you by saying they are trying to not vent to you too much; they are trying to show you that they care about you. It is ultimately them showing respect for you and your energy and boundaries; they know you can’t pour from an empty cup, so they don't want you to constantly spread yourself so thin for them.
There are two different types of empathy, known as silent empathy and out-loud empathy. I think you have a good understanding of the latter already, but you may be interested in these articles about both of these:
https://www.confidentcommunicator.com/e/BAh7BjoWZW1haWxfZGVsaXZlcnlfaWRsKwd0SJOV--fe4fec04f6ce67314191f8c83df96d42ef218e1b?skip_click_tracking=true
https://www.confidentcommunicator.com/e/BAh7BjoWZW1haWxfZGVsaXZlcnlfaWRsKwdvakKW--bb7aea799304105a73a43039be44b544d9063eec?skip_click_tracking=true#
The key similarity between the two is being present emotionally, not just physically. Practice silent empathy before the out-loud empathy because that is much easier than doing the reverse. It will give you a chance to really understand the other person’s concerns better, and it will let you gather your thoughts.
If you are interested in more about the science behind empathy and compassion, here is a great article for you: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0960982214007702
I know that you are eager to help, so I think the best way to go about it would be for the two of you to look into getting mental health help together. Finding help can be a daunting task, so perhaps having a buddy on the same journey can make it a little easier on both of you. You can use a variety of places to find help, such as TalkSpace, Better Help, Headway, ZocDoc, and more. If you two are minors, then perhaps turning to your school’s guidance counselors, psychologists, or social workers might be a better first step. These folks all have mental health and wellness training, and if they don’t have the answers, they can certainly point you in the direction of the people who do. Asking Jude also has a live peer counselling service that is a pay-what-you-can, remote alternative to traditional therapy, so feel free to reach out to us jude@askingjude.org if you want more details.
It’s okay if you two wind up going in different directions for help; mental health is just as diverse and complex a field as physical health, so it’s best to have treatments and plans that are tailored specifically to ourselves. Even if you two go in different directions, you can still support each other outside of treatment simply by spending quality time together. Go play in the park, go play video games together, go window shopping--anything that gets you two together and having fun. Sometimes, we just need a break from our problems so we can go have some fun; later, we can approach our problems with fresh eyes and be better equipped to solve them.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile