Hey there so I’m in a pickle, I am married, we’re days away from celebrating our 3rd anniversary and we have been fighting non stop (most of our marriage is fights honestly), But at the point we are at now you can tell no matter how much growth we’ve each had it still isn’t enough. There is no emotional or physical connection between us. We don’t really talk unless it’s about the kids, she tells me my communication sucks and I’m immature for having a hard time talking to her- but I have told her I’ve grown in that area I’m just not good with confrontation and when she’s mad she gets super aggressive which shuts me down. I know it’s on both of us so she started over compensating those short comings with a constant aggressive affection — and I’m not a very affectionate person at least on the level she is so it’s a huge push and pull in our relationship and now I just feel so absolutely disconnected from her I don’t feel anything towards her right now: we haven’t physically touched in 4 days and that’s as little as a hug, we haven’t been romantic in 4 months (before that it was 7 months) she refuses to touch me that way and won’t have any intimacy even make out a little if we aren’t emotionally bonded and I’ve expressed my need for more in that area but she doesn’t want to try, so last night I asked her if she wanted to do a relationship question game that’s supposed to make you feel closer— as we did it, we fought, had petty answers, got irritated, and I asked if she felt closer she said Yuuuppp and I was like well I don’t, you said the only thing special about our marriage is we sleep in the same bed…. like we aren’t similar, we don’t get along often, BUT there is love she says we should end our marriage when she’s mad and then when she’s over it she says she’s fighting for us by staying knowing it won’t change. I literally don’t know what to do anymore…. I don’t know how I feel, if we should stay married and just keep trying to see if this gets better or if we should separate.
I know this is a long winded thing, I appreciate any sort of advice Thank you!
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude about your relationship troubles. I’m sorry about how often you are fighting with your wife. I can tell by your message how much this is weighing on you. The steps for you to come to the best resolution for your marriage would be to gather up your thoughts (like you have done for me), prepare exactly what you want to tell your wife, have a discussion about your feelings, and ultimately attend marriage counseling. I am aware of the stigma of marriage counseling and how you may be opposed to it at first. However, I believe that you will be able to solve your issues the best if you talk to your wife with a professional present.
It’s great that you took a step towards rekindling your relationship by trying to play a question game with her. I assume that it didn’t work as planned because the issues run deeper than the surface level. I think both of you need to open up and be honest about what is not working and what is working in your relationship. Some counselors suggest that you revisit places where you have strong memories together. Perhaps you could take her to a restaurant or park that you both hold close to you and have a long conversation about everything that has been going on. Step away from getting defensive and hear one another out. It might feel weird to go to counseling to talk to your wife, but the therapist will be able to mediate your conversations and interpret the issues in your relationship. A professional can keep you on track and identify issues that you cannot identify on your own. Your wife must also agree to seek couples therapy, although there is an option to go alone. When you are there, it is okay sometimes to yell when you need to; the counselor will help you cope with your emotions. Your initial visit will cover who you are as a couple, and the path the therapist will take to work with you guys. You can attend therapy for as little or as long as need be. You can find a marriage counselor through your insurance or and you can visit these websites for information on what to expect:
Many other couples have experienced similar troubles in their relationship just like you, so you guys are not alone. This does not have to be the end of your relationship. Advice Videos are also a useful tool when navigating our problems. I linked some advice videos from professionals for you to check out:
After you have gone through counseling, you will be able to make the best choice for both of you.
I wish you two the best of luck!