My relationship with my parents has slowly gotten worse and worse, and really kicked off when I came out as trans. Essentially we insult and make rude jokes towards each other. I know that I can be meaner than I should sometimes but it’s often in retaliation to them. They favor my brother and if he and I get into a fight (which is often) they take his side. He will make fun of me and they will laugh with the claim of it being funny. I’ve talked to them before about my opinion on this and it leads to even worse miscommunications and them claiming I’m overacting or faking it. We’ve started continuously verbally fighting, yelling back and forth at each other. All this I can deal with, but lately my mom has been saying that it’s like I’m hurting them on purpose, that it’s my fault its like this. It hurts, it hurts a lot more than anything else. I haven’t talked to my friend about this (I even talked to her the day after my call with 988 so it’s strange for me not to talk to her about something). I don’t know whose fault it is, or even if it’s all of ours. I’m confused and tired and I don’t know what to do with all of this stress thats only added on by worrying about my grades (apparently they think I’m failing if I have a B just because I’m in a magnet) and being in a band (I forget to practice often and they getting getting pissed at me for it, which like I get but I just don’t have the memory for this stuff [something I’ve said to them before and my mom asked if I’m trying to pretend I have autism or something]). It’s frustrating and I’m getting so tired of this. The kicker is though, they’ve offered therapy to me, no questions asked. I can’t tell whose side their on or if I should go to therapy again (I did it online and it didn’t work in any way.)
Why is it like this?
Hello there,
Wow, it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you are overwhelmed and exhausted—which can definitely take a toll. You did the right thing by standing up for yourself and saying how these things make you feel. Unfortunately, not everyone is going to do the right thing in return. Sometimes, people will insist that you are the problem, simply because they do not want to take accountability. How you feel is valid, and it isn’t right to have your feelings brushed or dismissed.
I recommend setting boundaries with your family. I know this may sound stress-inducing, but boundaries aren’t for your family—they’re for you. A boundary is a rule you set in place for yourself. For example, “If you continue talking to me that way, I’m going to walk away.” These are things that may help protect you emotionally. Be prepared though—it is not an easy thing to do. The people around you may not like this and may accuse you of "being mean." They may feel this way because they will not have the same access to you that they had before. Even if this happens, try your best to stick to what you say. Here are some tips on setting boundaries: https://www.dbsalliance.org/support/young-adults/8-tips-on-setting-boundaries-for-your-mental-health/.
As you said, it's unfair to place the state of the family on one person. What is going on is not your fault. To me, it sounds like a way for them to justify being cruel to you. I know it is easier said than done, but sometimes, it is not worth matching energy over. What I mean is, sometimes, it isn’t worth arguing. You have said how you feel, and they are continuing to hurt you. Sometimes, it is better to enforce your boundaries and walk away.
It can be really hard to deal with academic pressure from parents. From what you’ve said, it sounds like you are doing a great job in school. As long as you are trying your best, that is all you can do. Your parents are going to have their own ideas about your grades and that can be extremely frustrating, but like I said, walk away when they get to be too much. For more information on how to walk away, check out the following link: https://psychcentral.com/blog/toxic-people-you-dont-need-permission-to-walk-away#3 and https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2020/03/how-to-protect-yourself-from-others-negative-energy.
Regardless, I think what may help you is making a schedule. Write down everything you need to get done, and schedule the time to do it. Also, don’t forget to schedule some time to relax, too. Here are some tips on how to manage academic stress: https://middleearthnj.org/2021/09/13/how-to-help-teens-manage-academic-stress/.
I am glad that you made the call to 988. That shows great bravery. I understand that you had an unhelpful experience with counseling. Not everyone has positive experiences to share; however, it could help you. Besides, Asking Jude always has remote, pay-what-you-want peer counselling sessions you can try. For more information on this, contact us at jude@askingjude.org.
There is freedom in gaining a strong support system, so I would reach out to your friend as well and let them know what is going on. Having someone to listen and encourage you can change your life. Here are some tips on how to create a support system and the benefits of one: https://highlandspringsclinic.org/the-benefits-and-importance-of-a-support-system/.
Keep striving,
Andrea
Hey there, @Xander Keith ! Thank you for reaching out to us at Asking Jude. One of our peer counsellors, Andrea, will be answering you shortly. Until then, stay strong!