I've come to the realization that I'm not very important to anybody. and it's odd because I'm not particularly hurt by it anymore. I have some long-time close friends, but I go so easily unnoticed lately. I will listen to what everyone around me has to say but it doesn't seem that my efforts are reciprocated by my closest friends. I used to be able to have an even conversation with them where we can both get our pieces in, and I used to be very outspoken about what I'm passionate about, but It's definitely pulled back as these past couple years have gone on.
When my friends talk about their interests and what they're passionate about, I always try to respond in a way that lets me connect with them and engage with their interests. But when I try to talk about what I love or am interested in, I'm met with basic responses or just being looked over. I find it difficult because it feels as if they just don't care about what I have to say. When I think about it, it feels like I could just be acting selfish, because I know I don't deserve their attention, but I've always engaged with what they care about.
Thinking this way has led me to become more closed off emotionally, and I feel like I shouldn't even bother with talking about what I care about. It's easier to discuss it with people I don't know rather than bring it up with my actual friends haha
It's something that I've almost come to accept, but I just can't beat the feeling I'm not being treated fairly. Let me know if you think I'm being selfish. This was mostly to just let the feelings off my chest but please do say your piece if you can, and thank you :)
Hi there,
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. It does not make you selfish to want the same treatment you give to others. You are not alone in how you feel—as people grow older, they feel changes in their friendships. Here are some tips on what to do when you feel you and your friends are drifting apart from one another: https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-things-to-do-if-youre-drifting-apart-from-a-friend/ and https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-things-to-do-if-youre-drifting-apart-from-a-friend/.
From what you’ve said, it sounds like you are the type of friend most people would love to have in their lives. Sometimes, people need to be reminded on how to be a good friend. Things that are obvious to us aren’t obvious to others. I would advise talking to your friends about how you are feeling. Being open and vulnerable with people can be difficult, but sometimes, it is necessary. You are important. Here are some tips on how to have a difficult conversation when you dislike conflict: https://hbr.org/2017/05/how-to-have-difficult-conversations-when-you-dont-like-conflict and https://hbr.org/2017/05/how-to-have-difficult-conversations-when-you-dont-like-conflict.
I know the word “conflict” may sound negative, but it basically means that you confront something or someone. Confronting does not always have to be intense—you can say how you feel without it turning into an argument. Avoid accusatory language such as “you always.” This will create unnecessary tension, and people can become defensive. Instead, use “I feel/believe” statements, such as, “I feel this way.” Another good statement is "It sometimes seems"; for example, you could say, "It sometimes seems like you don't care about my interests."
It can be difficult to stand up for yourself, especially when you aren’t sure it will make a difference or when you’re unsure how your friends will react. Here are some tips on how to speak up for yourself: https://youngwomenshealth.org/guides/speaking-up/ and https://youngwomenshealth.org/guides/speaking-up/. Always keep in mind that you are worthy of respect, recognition, and equality in all of your friendships. Try your best to stay focused on the issue at hand—what’s bothering you, and why? This may feel selfish, but it isn’t. You have been putting your friends first. It is fair if they do the same for you from time to time. If you are feeling like you are being treated unfairly, then you most likely are.
I hope this helps.
Good luck,
Andrea
Hello there, @Ami B. ! I'm so sorry for the wait. One of our peer counsellors will be answering you shortly.
To make up for this extended wait time, I'm more than happy to offer you a month's worth of peer counselling sessions. These sessions are completely remote and will total to four hours. You can redeem them at any time as well! If you're interested, e-mail us at jude@askingjude.org.
Until then, stay strong.