Hello Friend,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. It sounds like you’ve been sheltering yourself from interaction with boys. Now that you have a good guy friend, your sister’s boyfriend, you are jealous of his relationship with your other sister. It’s understandable that you feel a bit jealous right now because he sounds like a great friend of yours. Your relationship with him might feel special to you since you have such a difficult time talking to boys. My best advice to you would be to understand that him being friends with your sister does not take away from his good relationship with you. He’s still your friend (as long as he stays a good boyfriend to your sister!).

Jealousy is a completely normal feeling, and you should not feel any shame for feeling it. Most jealousy stems from insecurities in ourselves, so the best thing you can do about it is look inward. Pinpoint from where you think the jealousy is stemming. Sometimes we get jealous because we are afraid someone is being taken from us or is leaving us. Another root of jealousy is feeling insecure about ourselves and envious of others, so other people may feel like threats to us. It’s best to remember that most thoughts that come from jealousy are one-sided. For instance, jealousy may cause you to think that your best friend hates you because they hung out with someone else. In reality, your best friend still loves and values you all the same. I suggest writing down your feelings so they are out of your system. Later, come back to your writings and figure out the root cause of the jealousy, and find cases that debunk those feelings. An example of this would be if you feel like your sister is taking your new friend from you, you could remind yourself that his relationship with other people does not take away from the strength of his relationship with you.

Here are some good articles about jealousy:

https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/what-your-jealous-feelings-are-telling-you-what-you-should-ncna1002411

https://www.simplylifetips.com/overcome-jealousy/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-healthy-ways-to-deal-with-jealousy/

https://www.psychalive.org/how-to-deal-with-jealousy/

Here are some good videos about jealousy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rcqwRgVvvw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe7VeAWAkXQ (Jealousy question at 8:30)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gFLwkeJYB4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Joy6yZs47Lk

It may also be helpful to start conquering your fear of male friendships. I suggest asking your friends to introduce you to their good friends, like guys who they know will be kind and understanding to you. This way you’ll make more friends who will give you positive attention, so you won’t have to rely on your sister’s boyfriend all the time. If your friends are there as well, it may feel more comfortable for you to talk. If this does not feel like a good idea to you, then I suggest asking a guy from one of your classes for help on an assignment or complimenting a guy's haircut. You could also join clubs or groups where boys and girls are there together. This way, you can have small interactions with boys that will help you get closer to feeling less afraid of them!

Here are some resources for making new friends:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8PqbYr6mJc

https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/how-to-make-friends-introvert.html

https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2017/02/how-to-make-friends-as-an-adult/

If you need to contact someone immediately or are in crisis text or call these numbers.

Text Hotline:

Suicide Hotline by Texting HOME to tel:741741(US)

Suicide Hotline by Text Shout to tel:85258 (UK)

Suicide Hotline by Text CONNECT to tel:686868 (Canada)

Call Hotlines:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Toll-Free: 1-800-273-TALK (tel:1-800-273-8255)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Toll-Free (español): tel:1-888-628-9454

Hugs,

Max