So, throughout my life I’ve always gravitated towards being friends with girls over guys, even in elementary school.
I think it started as just preferring to hang out with girls since we had more in common. But it’s kind of evolved into a larger problem as I’ve gotten older: I’m afraid to talk to men unless they’re very feminine. And in group settings this really prevents me from talking and connecting with others (even if there’s a lot of women and only one guy).
I hate that I’m like this because it prevents me from getting to know like 50% of the population.
I’m very confused about where this stems from, but I think it might be from feeling rejected as a child from boys, and also having problems with my narcissistic dad (him being very manipulative and emotionally abusive).
The thing is that I always thought that it might have to do with me being afraid of embarassing myself in front of guys I liked (and therefore just not speaking to them, or just messing up the conversation because I’m nervous) but I’m not even sure I’m into guys? Like I think I’m either bisexual or a lesbian, so it’s very weird how I only feel this strongly towards men. And it’s also very confusing because I especially feel this way towards guys that I think are good looking? So does it have to do with attraction, past experiences, feeling rejected and not good enough or just something completely different, idk?
This year I’m going to a small boarding school where there’s a mix of both guys and girls - and I’ve heard it’s a very tight knit school, so must people are friends or at least friendly - and I’m afraid I’ll be left out due to this irrational fear/avoidance of guys.
I just don’t know what to do to improve this, and was wondering if you had some advice?
It’s completely fine to hang out with people with whom you have more in common. It’s also worth exploring why you feel more comfortable around some people than others. I do think that having bad experiences with your own dad shapes your perception of other people (which is totally natural). Perhaps dad was really critical of you growing up, so you fear that other men will be as critical as he was. Or maybe you fear that the boys near you act friendly but are really wolves in sheep’s clothing. In other words, any abuse you suffered from dad you fear from other boys and men.
Did boys ever ask you out as a prank? Or rudely reject you if you asked them out? Were other boys really nasty to you growing up? If any of the above are true, you’ve probably just been failed by people who happen to share a gender, which isn’t fair to you.
If you want to understand dad and other abusers more, you can read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. His book is all about the science behind abuse and abusers, so if you want a better understanding of how to identify abusive behavior, perhaps this book will teach you. I also recommend The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker because he explains the science behind fear; this could help you better understand yourself and learn how to face your own fears of men.
I’m thinking you may want to also read up on a phenomenon known as the Male Gaze ™ because you seem very concerned with the opinions of men. It’s a way of saying that men’s perspectives are the default and we should all see ourselves through their eyes. Everything we do, say, wear, etc. should all be filtered through a man’s eyes. For example, what will a guy think if you eat x or if you wear y?
The whole premise behind this phenomenon is that many cultures and societies have granted men many privileges throughout history. Many cultural norms were created or heavily shaped by and for men. So these cultures often treat men as the norm and anyone else as “other.”
I have some great articles about it here:
https://www.studiobinder.com/blog/what-is-the-male-gaze-definition/
https://www.theguardian.com/news/2018/mar/06/the-male-glance-how-we-fail-to-take-womens-stories-seriously
This article talks about the male gaze, but it mostly focuses on lesbian history and terminology:
https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/04/13/t-magazine/butch-stud-lesbian.html
Basically, what you are feeling is completely normal because you’ve been traumatized. Being abused makes it harder for you to trust others because you were ultimately betrayed by someone you were supposed to trust. You no doubt should be able to trust your own parents, and I’m so sorry that dad failed you here.
This article explains a lot about the effects of abuse on children’s health and development:
https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/can/impact/long-term-consequences-of-child-abuse-and-neglect/health/
If you see yourself reflected there, that’s just more proof that your experiences are valid and so are your feelings. I promise you that dad abusing you is not your fault at ALL. Is this boarding school perhaps a chance at escape? If it is, then please don’t waste any time with reaching out to the school staff; they are there to protect and support you. They can get any necessary authorities involved and ensure that you have access to safe places and programs to sort of detox from the abuse.
Speaking of school staff, since this is a boarding school, I’d be more than willing to bet they have all sorts of fun programs and clubs to join! This is a great chance to make friends because you all have things to talk about and activities to bond over. They also likely have guidance counselors and other professionals who can run programs for kids who want help developing their social and emotional skills or need help adjusting to school. I have a feeling you are not the only kid in your shoes; they have likely seen it all. They can help you learn how to manage your feelings- including your fears- so that you don’t have to feel so afraid anymore. Take it one day at a time and soon enough, you’ll feel and be in a lot better shape.
Please don’t hesitate to reach back out if you have any other questions or need anything else.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile
Hi, @emily n ! It's wonderful to hear from you (despite the circumstances). One of our peer counsellors, Angelica, will get back to you shortly. Until then, stay strong!